Top TV #2

What happened to pure comedy? You could never get away with a routine like that these days unless you were taking the piss out of the mere idea that someone might want to do a routine like this. Also, where are all the middle-aged entertainers? I don't mean heritage acts, buts ones who are actually at the top of their game? The Chuckle Brothers?

I loved a lot of 80s alternative comedy but a disastrous side-effect was that it consigned everyone over 40 to irrelevance and grandad status. Unless they dressed like they were under 40, and had hair. Or they could go bald as long as they shaved the remainder off. And wore a black top.

There's an innocence and simple joy in comedy that you don't get so much any more. You've got to work the laughs through five or six layers of knowingness before they make it to TV. But it is possible to circumvent most of those layers. I'll come to that in Top TV #3...

Top TV #1

Stuff

From time to time, when I've nothing better to do, I improve the quality of your lives by giving you a glimpse into the minds of the men and women out there who find this site via google. Here is that glimpse:

3 5.36% make her gag
2 3.57% ass rash
1 1.79% rash on ass
1 1.79% rash on my ass
1 1.79% ass rashes
1 1.79% comics of pity
1 1.79% how to buy fags
1 1.79% david hasselhoff in his 20s

I have no further comment.

4pm

That's what time the fight is. And I'm waiting up for it - Glenfiddich 12yo in my hand. Am I going to make it? Is Joe going to kick the arse of old man Popkins? I just doon't know. One of the p4p best in the world against the most awkward, undisputed. For once, I'm kind of impartial. I love both these guys. I can't call it.

But come on, Joe will win.

PRONG 3: Comics

I have been taking the comics world by storm. Didn't you notice? The way I've been doing it, right, is via black magic. Me and my artistic cohort Jonathan Dukes meet up every now and then in The Plough - which is a very mystical sort of pub - and drink ourselves into a shamanic stupour, helping the mindstate along by throwing out the odd word about Alan Moore or the Hernandez brothers. Then, in our trance-like state, we utter the magic words that, in effect, render the comics world at our mercy. Anything we submit to them for publication, they will accept and treat with reverence. It's just that we haven't finished anything yet. We're busy, OK? I mean, these things take time.

So that's what I'm doing. What are you doing? Does it involve black magic?

Next week: Prong 4...

PRONG 2: Screen

I have turned DEADFOLK into a screenplay and I'm trying to get agent interest. I'm still not sure whether it's best suited to cinema or TV, but it is what it is. And it's a feature-length screenplay. And a novel, of course.

Then there is the short film ARK, recently shot with such flare by Mal Woolford and team. That's an exciting one and I can't wait to see how it turns out (seen the rushes - wow, is that ever a thrill for a writer). Hopefully I'll be working with those guys again this summer.

If there is a plan afoot here, it is aimed at getting me broken into both features and TV. Or just one of them. Back when I started writing, I wouldn't have had a clue how to go about writing a script, let alone how that then becomes a film or show. Then I wrote DEADFOLK and the others, and started looking at them as stories that might crossover to the screen pretty well. Then I met a few film and TV people and gradually got drawn in. That's how it was for me.

Tomorrow, Prong #3.

PRONG 1: Books

I am writing a new novel for Serpent's Tail. This is going well. Can't say more. If I said more, I would have to use your IP addresses to track you all down and kill every one of you. Because it kills the magic, sharing your writing mojo before its work is done. It's like the red indians and taking photographs. Maybe I should just charge you one dollar to hear about what I'm writing.

But do you know what? It wouldn't be worth the one dollar. Not even at today's exchange rates. I am the world's worst pitch artist. This is something that I will have to address, and touches on tomorrow's prong...

Anyway, expect a new book from me next year. After three novels in quick succession, 2004-2006, it'll be quite a gap. Just when someone says "Hey, wonder what happened to that Williams guy? No, not him from Mork and Mindy, I mean the one who did those doorman books. Didn't he die of a drug overdose?".... And then BAM - I'll hit them with a new one called THE CURIOUS CASE OF THE WRITER WHO DID FUCK ALL FOR THREE YEARS. Ah, but you know he didn't do fuck all, don't you?

Another prong tomorrow.

New layout and book vote

As you can see, I have been messing with blogger. It's not going well and I'm going to give it up for a while, leaving it in this half-finished state until I summon the energy.

Meanwhile I have put a little vote up. You will see it there, to the right. A bit self-indulgent possibly but I'd be interested to see what you think. So if you have a favourite, please vote.

PRONGS

Over the next few posts, and whether you like it or not, I am going to let you know what is going on here writing-wise. "Where are those creative juices being applied, man?" Questions like that, asked with Dude-like languor, will be answered. Candidly.

Just to get you going, here is the short version:

For the past three or so years I've been employing a three-pronged approach to writing. The Trident Approach, I think the pros call it. One of those prongs is books, the others being writing for screen and writing for comics. Why? Because I like books, the screen and comics. If you're paying attention you might have noticed the odd rumbing about the latter two prongs from time to time, but the prose prong has pretty much been getting it all ever since I started this blog. Justifiably, since for a long while it was the only prong. So it was a spear really, rather than a trident. Or a pike. For years I was fighting the fight with a pike.

No longer.

Stay tuned.

It's the Easter holidays...

Why not take your kids to...

...the nightmare playgrounds.

ARK

Above is a photo I took when I did my first visit to a film set a couple of weekends ago, in a wood near Hemel Hempstead. ARK is a short film directed by Mal Woolford, produced by Andrea Thornton and written by me. The idea was to come up with something that could be shot in one continuous take, that would do what all good stories must do but without relying on dialogue. I think the result will be something special. The film features Simone Lahbib of WIRE IN THE BLOOD and BAD GIRLS fame and her husband Raffaello Degruttola, and giving them some character guidance was about all I could offer. That and pushing the van, which got stuck in mud a lot. There was a bunch of other people in involved who you'll be able to see on IMDB once the film gets a listing. They were all very cool and welcoming to this writer who didn't really have any business being there. Even when I knocked the Steadicam over. Just kidding.

Anyway, I'll let you know how ARK pans out. I really hope you get to see it because there's a hell of a lot of good stuff going into it.

Brussels and French Mag

Had a good time in Brussels last week at the book fair. Wow, do those guys have strong beer. And chocolates. Book fair-wise, it was mightily impressive. A huge building, a ton of books and an endless flow of people who care about them. Thank you to Hubert Artus for inviting me. And it was great to meet other writers such as Antoine Chainas and JP, and catch up with Aurélien the rock 'n roll editor.

Are you in France? Check out the current issue of l'Optimum magazine. Inside you will find a feature (by the aforementioned Monsieur Artus) on UK authors Mark Billingham, Chris Cleave, Alex Wheatle and yours truly. There is a great big photograph of we four sitting in a Hackney boozer, drinking Guinness.

Oh yeah, and check out my new novel in French DES CLOPES ET DE LA BINOUZE (translated by Thierry Marignac).