Chitty Chitty NO!

As you can imagine from the title, I hate the film CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG. I don't care if the "child catcher" scene is one of the scariest in cinema history - I ain't gonna wade through an hour of this shit to get to it. Just typing the name makes me want to go kick a few headlights in.

And do you know what? I've never really understood why. It's not like I have a raging hatred of all children's films. I'll quite happily sit there with my kids and watch MARY POPPINS, THE WIZARD OF OZ, DUMBO, and THE LAST HOUSE ON THE LEFT, for example. But CHITTY... ah, I can't even bring my fingers to type the name of that four-fendered motherfucker.

But this weekend, as I set my teeth ready for another burst of my daughter's "BEST OF DISNEY" CD, I realised why. It's all down to a couple of lines in the eponymous song:

It's more than spectacular
To use the vernacular
It's wizard, it's smashing, it's keen

You will notice a certain word in bold there. And really that's what it all boils down to. I mean, vernacular? Fucking vernacular? According to the OED, vernacular is "the language or dialect spoken by the ordinary people of a country or region". OK OK, fair enough. But...

Wizard?

Smashing?

Keen?

"Smashing" I can forgive, but since when did the "ordinary people" of ANY region say things like "hey, check out that motor over there. It's fucking wizard". Or "I robbed a Sierra Cosworth yesterday. It was well keen, I tells ya." And don't come at me with all that "different eras, different vernaculars" bollocks. No self-respecting "ordinary people" have EVER used wizard adjectivally. And I don't care what century it is, NO ONE describes an object as... as... (go on Charlie, you can do it. Just type it slow, one letter at a time) k... kkk........ KEEN.

No one, that is, except the kind of smug, smackworthy and PIG IGNORANT public school brats that Harry Potter is modelled on.

So fuck off CHITTY CHITTY BANG BANG.

And FUCK OFF JK FUCKING ROWLING.