NY

Wishing you all a happy new year. But, really, what difference does it make if I wish you a good one or a bad one or any kind of a one? Do you really think my wishes make a difference, or yours and anyone's? My friend, get real. We're all going to have whatever kind of new year fate has in store for us, and the only thing that might change that is our own efforts, if we're lucky.

Still, happy new year.

Three reasons why Amir Khan should fight Ricky Hatton ASAP

1. Amir Khan is the world champion (WBA). As such, he is at the top of the tree. He should be capable of taking on anyone, otherwise he should not carry that belt. Yet people still say he should take some time and a few easier fights before tackling the big guys in his weight class. People see him as a bit of a junior, and that hurts him. And he will never be hailed as even the best light-welter in his own country until Ricky Hatton retires. Or he beats him. Ergo, the only way for Amir to achieve the respect he craves at home is to beat the man. And beat him before his obesity retires him.

2. Oh yes, Ricky Hatton is fat. His usual weight between fights, if he walked in a ring at that weight he would be a light-heavy, or even cruiser. And yet he fights at light-welter. He eats fry-ups, takeaways and guzzles beer. So... no one takes him seriously in the long term as a boxer. No athlete treats their body like that, therefore he is not a serious athlete. and yet he has ruled at world class, and been beaten only twice - by the pound for pound best boxer in the world, each time. Ergo, the only way to prove to the world that he is not past it is to beat the youngest, most dangerous and consistently fit up-and-comer around, a guy who holds the WBA belt - once Ricky's own. Oh, he's that guy just down the road in Bolton.

3. Remember Benn and Eubank? Remember the frisson of excitement when those two went toe to toe? Well, picture Khan-Hatton. Something of the same? Beneath Khan's braggadocio has always lurked a visible sense of his own fallibility, and nowhere would it be more apparent than facing the fat man. Hatton knows he could be one fight from oblivion, that if this fast kid with undeniably better skills beats him, he is on a one-way ticket to a collesterol-saturated retirement. Both have everything to gain and everything to lose, but the fight cannot be avoided - it has the word destiny stamped all over it. (See how easy it is to market this fight?)

So there you go, three reasons why this fight would be the best thing to happen in UK boxing for years... and MUST happen. And here's one reason why it will never happen:

4. Frank Warren is a c***.

Borders

Shame about this, and I really hope they can find a clever buyer who can make it work again. In my London days I used to spend hours in the flagship Oxford Street branch (sadly already closed). I discovered so many writers in there, just from being able to sit down on a couch with a book for a while. When my first book came out, that was the London store I first checked to see if they had it in. They did, but it was only in the crime section and not in the more prominent "new books" section downstairs. So I got a copy and took it down there, placing it front-out in front of a pile of someone else's book (dog eat dog, babe). Then I stood back and watched, pretending to read a copy of Heat magazine. Sure enough, a man came along and picked it up. He read the first page for a bit then put it back. Bastard!

Happy Thanksgiving...

...to all yanks out there. As a special present (*cough*) to mark the occasion, I can let you know that Stairway to Hell will be published over there and in Canada by Serpent's Tail in June 2010. Any North Americans who already have it, you guys are ahead of the curve. You are able to speak several languages instinctively, work out the square root of any number in less than a second and jump over a car without touching it. You just don't realise it yet.

What do you call a man with three planks of wood on his head?

R.I.P. Edward Woodward, who was an iconic presence for anyone who loved The Equalizer, The Wicker Man, Callan, Hot Fuzz or many others. On top of that he was the punchline of a joke (see above) AND could sing with the best of 'em:

I am a mole and I live in a hole

Five Stairway to Hell-themed questions answered by me at 3am Magazine. They'll make you cry. They'll make you laugh. They'll make you blow your overdraft. On Stairway to Hell... which you can get in a nice double deal along with my first book Deadfolk for a nice £9.52 over at Amazon.co.uk. Hey, it's nearly Christmas.

(Shit, Charlie, didn't anyone tell you it's uncool to promote your wares on your own website?)

No, they didn't. And if anyone knows of someone else's website I can hawk my shit on, drop us a line. For we are living in a material world, and I am a material girl.

Thank you Susan Tomaselli for the five probing questions.

"It was not immediately clear if any customers had been served"...

Now I know why there is a Russian edition of Deadfolk.

KENT AND PANTS

Had a good time at the Kent Uni event, where I stood up in front of students, read a couple of passages from my books and talked about writing. However, halfway through the proceedings I became convinced that my flies were undone. I didn't see how I fix this - or even confirm my suspicions - without looking like I was fiddling with myself. I was in Royston Blake character mode, reading the forklift passage from King of the Road, but my heart wasn't in it. It was in my pants, wondering if everyone could see them. And worse: was that a cool breeze I just felt down there? As soon as it was over I sat down and very subtly checked.

False alarm.

So, to the students of Kent who came, apologies. You got a watered down version of Blakey there, due to my anxieties. Usually he's a lot louder and more vehement. And let's be honest: Blakey wouldn't give a shit if his flies were undone.

Kent Event

A bit late, this, but if you happen to want to come to my event at Kent University tomorrow, here are the details:

Tue, 10th November, 6pm

Peter Brown Room, Missing Link, Darwin College, Canterbury Campus

£2 entry - pay the pink bucket at the door.

Tickets available at the door or by post. Please email english-office@kent.ac.uk to reserve or purchase a ticket.

More details here. I will be talking about writing, doing a little bit of reading (aloud) and answering questions. See you there if you're around.

These boots were made for

No, not some pervy fetish thing, I'm afraid. This is the prefered footwear of Adam Booth, trainer of David Haye (6'4"), who on Saturday night fights Nikolai Valuev (7'0"). When you can't find sparring partners tall enough, this is what you do.

My prediction: Valuev pts victory. He is just too big. (Also his manager is German, the fight is in Germany, and German judges are, shall we say, loyal to their own).

FWIW, I kind of want the big Russian to win. He is no Ivan Drago, more of a Shrek. Haye is by far the superior fighter, but I can't help but admire a guy who, after 50 fights, openly admits he is still learning to box. He'll come unstuck against either Klitchko brother anyway, if he ever was made to fight them.

Black Static

Stairway to Hell got a nice review in Black Static magazine (the UK's premier mag for horror/dark sf/slipstream etc). Many thanks to Mr Peter Tennant for the positive words, and for having a crack at nailing the genre:

"In the end, this is not so much horror fiction as a subversive text in which tropes of the genre are added on to a comic novel dealing with aspects of modern life, such as the lust for fame, reality TV and the superficiality of the media, all of which get the piss taken out of them (sorry, but I couldn’t resist that). Bottom line, Stairway to Hell is a barrel of fun, probably best read to a soundtrack of The Song Remains the Same and Ch-Ch-Changes."

Kent

Anyone in Canterbury read this? On Tuesday, 10th Nov I will be at Kent University campus in that town (my alma mater) to talk to the creative writing fraternity there. I am told the event is open to the public, so please come along if you like my books at all or are interested to know how and why I write such things. If you don't give a shit either way, maybe you should come anyway and let me convert you. If you actively dislike me and the books, maybe you should stay away. Or come, and throw things at me. I'll bring my cricket bat and fire them back at you, thereby achieving these kinds of headlines and the success that notoriety brings.

Check the events page for details. Nothing there as I write this but I'll pull my finger out about a week before the event.