Planted a few heifers

I swear I was after something important, but while looking through (google-translated) Russian reviews of Deadfolk I came across:

"The protagonist gets in the head 20 times, wets himself five freaks and 4 innocent people, including fishermen, planted a few heifers, runs through the city covered in blood, a week carries rotting corpse on the seat beside the driver and swearing at each step. But - a dynamic, funny and exciting. Read disgusting. Make a movie - you will be Academy Award”

Seriously, who wouldn't buy?

Viva

No, not the classic Vauxhall of the 60s and 70s, I mean the Spanish viva, which is a word meaning "shit car", or something. Anyway, congrats to Spain on reaching the World Cup final. In honour of this unprecedented success, here is an extract from the end of chapter 9 of GENTE MUERTA (Spanish version of Deadfolk), translated back into English via google translate. (Regular readers will already be familar with the Russian/googlish version of this passage)...

As I got home, I put my favorite sweatpants pry me watching TV. They were making a movie about a guy who was engaged to kill turkeys, so I went for a can and sat down again. I thought about going to the basement in search of Baz, but it would not help. Or was there or was not. And as he had looked before and it was, was unlikely to find it now. The movie was a bit boring. Whenever the prota pulled the knife and was about to crack an aunt, the scene changed. I found a channel zapping and in which two turkeys were eating the mouth and touching her tits. Was ok. I took it out and I went with the story. As I finished, I felt much more relaxed, but was still made broth. I closed my eyes so my eyes will rest a few seconds. I did not mean to sleep or anything like that. I woke up the phone. Or hit the door. Not sure. Whatever it was, it was nice to wake so, I assure you. I got the rack and stood up, wondering what the hell happened. I opened the front door.

Rude book

In an idle moment I plugged "Mortacci", the title of my Italian Deadfolk translation, into google translate.

Here is the result. (And if you're in any doubt, click the audio button and hear it spoken aloud in a nice voice.)

And all the while I thought it meant "dead people". No wonder I never got invited to any lit festivals in Italy.

"If he dies, he dies"

I'm pleased to say Royston Blake's world tour continues with a Russian version of FAGS AND LAGER. I can't get enough of these Russian covers. I'm getting thirsty just looking at it. Goes nicely alongside it's sister.

In other news, the FREE THE MANGEL ONE Facebook campaign marches on. Please check it out and consider joining if you favour David against Goliath. Or Royston Blake against the powers that be.

"It was not immediately clear if any customers had been served"...

Now I know why there is a Russian edition of Deadfolk.

Paris, Radio and Trousers

A great time in Paris was had this weekend. Lisa and I sailed over a day early on the Eurostar and soaked up a few things (mostly beer and chocolate croissants). Next morning I did a radio interview with Radio Libertaire, France's official anarchist station. I did the whole thing in French, which I was a bit worried about beforehand but it went OK. I think. Anyway, if you're French and you heard some English twat babbling incomprehensibly on Saturday afternoon, it was me. Or Chris Waddle.

Later on that afternoon was the "humour in crime" panel at the Bilipo, where I shared the floor with the Colins Thibert and Bateman. The moderator was Natalie Beunat and it was a good session at a fascinating venue. If you're in Paris, check it out (especially the morbid displays in the foyer). After that, the Bateman and Williams entourages went in search of food and alcohol. It was great, but can I just say here that the traffic cone on top of the Eiffel Tower in the early hours of Sunday was nothing to do with me.

Talking of Colin, check out his new book, MYSTERY MAN. The logline is inspired: "Murder, mayhem and damn sexy trousers." That's the important things in life right there. And traffic cones.

In other news, a seal of approval has been given. Nothing to do with me really as I didn't design the cover, but it's a nice thing anyway.

ARK at Cannes

More short film news - ARK has been chosen for the Short Film Corner at the Cannes Film Festival. It will be shown as part of the special selection "Don't Let The Bastards Grind You Down", a notion I wholeheartedly agree with. Check it out here.

Figaro

Great review (I think) of LE ROI DU MACADAM and the other Blakey books in yesterday's le Figaro. Especially like the sound of this bit: "Le Roi du macadam est un festival de loufoquerie noire". Loufoquerie, love that word. Sounds a bit like... ah, never mind. Anyway, if you like loufoquerie too, check out KING OF THE ROAD, because it's a festival of it. Not only that, but a noire festival.

Lost in France

I hear in Paris they have a library dedicated to crime fiction. That's cool, right? Another cool thing is that they are having a festival of crime in May, where the intersection of the criminal and book worlds will be celebrated in all its glory. Can you guess where this is going? Yes, a third cool thing: your humble narrator will be at this festival. Apparently humour in crime is my bag and I'll be taking part in a panel on this subject, along with a couple of TBAs.

So, if you're in Paris on the 16th May, check us out.

You know, anyone would think I'm living on the continent. It's three years since I did any kind of event in the UK. I am a literary exile, condemned to tread only foreign soil until I can write a book that pleases MI5. Maybe STAIRWAY TO HELL will be that book? Ah, fuck MI5. Do you know the people that really matter? Critics? Don't make me laugh. Readers? Well, maybe a bit... but that's not the answer. It's CI5. Bodie and Doyle. And there is NOT A CHANCE they would have disapproved of any trilogy of books with one of these babies as a major character.

Saying all that, I do quite like foreign soil. Especially France. They have really nice soil, very dark and peaty. Plus they have loads of beer. I'm sorry, Cowley... you can grin all you like, I'm staying here, in this bar. Got my Leffe. Got my chips and mayonnaise. Got my table footy. Got my soil. I'm staying. I'm finishing my coffee. Enjoying my coffee.

Car crash cover

Second edition (or something) of Deadfolk released in France this week. I just love this cover. And check out that "Policer". That's Plim and Jonah!

Trolleyed

Check out the cover of LE ROI DU MACADAM, published in France today by Serie Noire/Gallimard. (Anglophones, this is KING OF THE ROAD... not some other book I wrote called "King of the Tarmac".) Love the cover. I do like a bit of suburban detritus in the morning.

Big thanks to Thierry Marignac for translating, and Gallimard for publishing.

Cool Yule

Happy Christmas. Make sure you have a good one because we're all going to be living on the streets next year, apparently. Have you seen MAD MAX? It'll be like that - fuel drought and strange clothes. Or maybe Neil Marshall's excellent DOOMSDAY - cannibalism and strange clothes. The message is clear: don't throw out your strange clothes just yet.

But next year won't all be about apocalyptic fun... there are cultural treats to look forward to as well. Francophone readers have got LE ROI DU MACADAM (King of the Road, trans. Thierry Marignac) coming out in February from Serie Noire/Gallimard. I think it's coming out in Italy too but, as ever, I'm not really sure about the Italian side of things. Later in the year, back in the U of K, my next book STAIRWAY TO HELL will come out from Serpent's Tail. You'll be able to get it in August, assuming we still have bookshops then.

While we're at it, check out the new blog to accompany Thierry Marignac's novel, RENEGADE BOXING CLUB. The book and blog are in French but there are some great photos. As well as two of my books, Marignac has translated works by Jim Thompson, Jim Carroll and Nelson Algren amongst many others. He is an interesting guy.

Anyway, have a good one this Exmas. Keep a bucket handy for vomitting into, and try not to set fire to yourself.

Brussels and French Mag

Had a good time in Brussels last week at the book fair. Wow, do those guys have strong beer. And chocolates. Book fair-wise, it was mightily impressive. A huge building, a ton of books and an endless flow of people who care about them. Thank you to Hubert Artus for inviting me. And it was great to meet other writers such as Antoine Chainas and JP, and catch up with Aurélien the rock 'n roll editor.

Are you in France? Check out the current issue of l'Optimum magazine. Inside you will find a feature (by the aforementioned Monsieur Artus) on UK authors Mark Billingham, Chris Cleave, Alex Wheatle and yours truly. There is a great big photograph of we four sitting in a Hackney boozer, drinking Guinness.

Oh yeah, and check out my new novel in French DES CLOPES ET DE LA BINOUZE (translated by Thierry Marignac).

Belgium

Hey, are you going to be hanging around the Belgium area in early March? Pop along to the Brussels Book Fair, where I will be doing a panel type affair on all things noir and crime on 6th March, sitting alongside fellow Serie Noirian Antoine Chainas, among others. Other notable guests include Russell Banks and "Le Chat". Around that time Gallimard/Serie Noire will be publishing DES CLOPES ET DE LA BINOUSE (Fags and Lager, translated by Thierry Marignac), so everything is cool on the Continent. (Unless you are Marc Stevens, in which case things are very uncool.)

Gitanes and Kronenbourg

Here is the cover of the French edition of FAGS AND LAGER, which will be out from Serie Noire/Gallimard in March. Dig that plastic cup!

The Beast From the East

Can't be sure, but I think the above is the Russian edition of DEADFOLK. Can any Russian speaker confirm? Looking at this page it does seem like it. (Look at that telltale "2.8i" in the blurb.)

Anyway, if Мертвецы is the Russian DEADFOLK, and I am this Чарли Уильямс guy, then very cool. I'm off to celebrate by purchasing a football club.

ITALY

There is an Italian version of FAGS AND LAGER out now from Baldini Castoldi, it seems. It is called Paglie e Birre Chiare, which presumably is Italian for fags and lager. If you're Italian, and you like fags and lager or great novels about troubled door staff, go for it!

French Interview

If you are au fait with the gallic tongue (or actually possess one), you might want to check this interview on the SNCF site. LES ALLONGÉS (DEADFOLK) is up for the Prix SNCF Polar this summer, in case you didn't know.

French News

The French edition of FAGS AND LAGER, out from Gallimard/Série Noire in March 2008, will be called DES CLOPES ET DE LA BINOUZE. Also LES ALLONGÉS (French edition of DEADFOLK) has been shortlisted for the Prix SNCF du Polar - the French crime writing award. Blimey. I'll let you know how it goes. More about the prize here.

We're not in Kansas anymore

One thing the French do at their book fairs is get the authors to spend a long time sitting behind piles of their books, ostensibly doing "dedicace" (signings) but in practice actively flogging units. Naturally, some are better at this than others. I think I'm not so good (especially in French). Personally I can't understand how any writer is good at that. Writing is a solitary thing. Your communication skills get specialised towards the written word and probably flag a bit elsewhere. You develop a manic look when people approach you which tends to ward them off. Also the chronic dribbling and gibbering doesn't sell books in the long run. So, I'm no good at the face-to-face side of book promotion. And I reckon I'm not alone in that.

I think that's why writers embrace this internet thing. You get to use weapon #1 on here: text. Any ideas about your work* you want to communicate, you can do it from behind the silver screen of cyberspace. You're a bit like the Wizard of Oz - the stumpy little gimp who sits in his magic cubicle and tries to make out he's a god. And you get to dribble.

So, to compensate for my lack of "meatspace" sales skills, I hereby invite anyone to drop me a line if they want to know why they should read my books. (Or why they shouldn't - you never know.) But I have to know who you are, or it's just sales literature. So tell me at least one thing about yourself (eg: what books you like... what sort of alcohol you like...) You can even do it in French. I've got a dictionary here.

I don't expect to get a lot of take-up on that offer, but there it is. And it's a permanent one.

* What a ponce. Any writer who says "my work" is up their own arse.