Stuff City

Doesn't the world feel like a better place now? Royston Blake is free, and will be making an appearance in book form next August. It's a bit like when Nelson Mandela was released. Or when the Berlin Wall came down (except we did it without the help of David Hasselhoff). So, a reminder for anyone who didn't hear me shouting about it a few days ago - Mangel book #4 WILL be published, as will the first three (again).

Elsewhere, a nice review of Fags and Lager by Brian Lindenmuth at Spinetingler. BTW, Fags and Lager will be retitled BOOZE AND BURN when it comes out again next June. I'm sure you can guess that this is to do with "fags", which is obviously UK slang for cigarettes but in the USA means "banana", which is just a crazy mix-up and leads to the original title been auto-censored by an army of heavily-armed internet bots. "Burn" is obscure UK prison slang for ciggies, in case you haven't been a guest at one of Her Majesty's obscure establishments.

Also check out this interview with myself, ably conducted by Len Wanner at www.thecrimeofitall.com. Top questions.

Signing 2: Gloucester

Did the second leg of the "Stairway to Hell Tour 2009" last Saturday at Gloucester Waterstones. Things got off to a good start - by pure chance I chose the dodgiest car park in town and was greeted with the smell of urine-soaked concrete, making me feel right at home. Ten minutes later I'd found the store and was sitting upstairs, enjoying a complimentary coffee, gearing myself up for whatever lay ahead. I admit it, I was nervous. Even after doing all this in Birmingham the week before, my little heart was all aflutter. 'Don't worry, you'll rock them. Just like I did in Berlin, 1989,' a voice said behind me. I turned - no one there, only a couple of middle-aged ladies two tables along. And that was a man's voice, wasn't it? Quietly, in case people thought I was nuts, I asked who had said that. 'Me, David Hasselhoff.'

Oh yeah. I should have known.

So I went downstairs, listening David Hasselhoff's words of encouragement. 'You gotta hit them hard,' he was saying, adjusting his leather glove (he had his pet eagle with him). 'Don't take no for an answer. Don't even take yes for an answer. Just when they're coming round to the idea of buying your book, that's when you need to push even harder. See that button there?' Where? 'There, on the front of the book.' We were at the table now, next to a pile of STAIRWAY TO HELLs. I picked one up and examined it. No button. 'There is. Right there, see?' No, that's a "3 for 2" sticker. 'No, trust me, it's a button. A Turbo Boost button.'

OK.

I made a start on the job in hand. At 11am on a Saturday morning, Waterstones in Gloucester is not a rocking place. A nice place, but not yet fully rocking. The only people milling around my area were past retirement age. Which is great, but... Well, I thought I'd give it a try. After all, I have a hot property here. The new series of TV's X Factor is on telly, and my book offers a direct resposte to it's glossy, sentimental lowest common denominator-iness. What we have here, my friends, is a piece of the zeitgeist.

So I approach one or two browsing customers, aged about 65 or so. You know the X Factor? 'Yeah, don't like it.' Well that's good, because I don't like it either. 'Oh, OK...' [continues browsing...] And, you see, my book doesn't like it either. 'Your book doesn't like the X Factor?'

OK, so I've lost him. Try someone else... Do you like crime books? 'Yeah.' Great, well I've written three of them. But this new one, it isn't really crime. 'Oh...' No, but it's better! It's about a luckless pub singer who finds out he has the soul of David Bowie. 'I like John Harvey. Is it like his books?' Exactly like them, yes. 'It isn't, is it?' No.

I'm back at my table, thinking things over. 'You don't believe me, do you?' said David Hasselhoff. He was standing behind me, pretending to read a copy of Dissolution: The Crisis of Communism and the End of East Germany, by Charles S. Maier. 'You think I'm wrong about the Turbo Boost.' I just... I don't even want to think about the Turbo Boost. 'It's there for you, Charlie. Use the Turbo Boost. We all need a bit of Turbo Boost sometimes. Even me, when I knocked down the Berlin Wall.' Shut up about the Turbo Boost!

A few customers turn to look at me, then quickly avert their eyes. OK, so at least they've noticed me now. Let's try a new tack...

Hi, I'm a local author. 'Oh yeah? You're from Gloucester?' No, Worcester. 'Well, that's not really the same, is it?' No but it's only about twenty miles away. 'Yeah but it's not local is it? To be a local author, you must be from Gloucester. Or at least the surrounding county.' Yeah but... 'What?' Nothing.

Back at my table again, Half an hour gone and no joy. I look around: not a friendly soul in sight. Not even David Hasselhoff. But no one is looking, so... I press the button.

The Turbo Boost button.

'Excuse me, but if you're looking for a interesting third option on the 3 for 2 promo, you might want to look at this.' That's what I'm saying to the customers now, then leaving the book in their hands, smiling, and moving on, unless they look like they want more of a pitch. Ninety minutes later, 10 books signed and sold. Not great, but DOUBLE FIGURES!

Driving home along the M5 motorway, I reflected on how I'd sold out there, resorting to an economic angle in trying to sell a book that should speak for itself. 'Yeah, but only a fool ignores the buck. Money first, artistic integrity second. That's what I always said to Billy Warlock, when we were working on season one of Baywatch. Oh, and could you turn the car around? I think I left my pet eagle in that place back there.' I take a sideways glance at him, then ask a question. 'Seatbelt?' he says. 'Did you ever see Michael Knight wearing a seatbelt? No, and you won't see the Hoff wearing one either.'

I reach over, open the passenger door and push him out.

Many thanks to the staff of Gloucester Waterstones for letting me do this, erm... event. Next Saturday, the final leg of "Stairway to Hell Tour 2009" will be at Mangel. I mean, Worcester. Will I see you there? I promise there will be no deranged celebrities.

Probably.

Charlie Williams - voice of reason

Hi, this is David Hasselhoff disguised as Christopher Lillicrap, guest-blogging for Charlie Williams. I just wanted to applaud Charlie's earlier post about the Pogues and Fairytale of New York, which has resulted in BBC Radio 1 going back on their censorship decision and reverting to the original version of the song, which includes the words "faggot", "slut", and "cunt". Charlie deserves a lot of credit for wading in on this row and bringing home the right result. You should go out and buy his books as a gesture of gratitude.

No Thank You, Sir

As we all know, one of the world's oldest and most burning questions is: "Just how did they make the video to 'Jump In My Car' by The Hoff?"

Well, now we know.

In other news, erm...

Chandelier Hoff

AP via New York Times:

LONDON (AP)-- Former ''Baywatch'' star David Hasselhoff had surgery after severing a tendon in his right arm in an accident in a London gym bathroom, his spokeswoman said Friday.

The 53-year-old actor, who played lifeguard Mitch Buchannon on the TV beach drama for 11 years, was shaving at a gym in the Sanderson Hotel on Thursday when he hit his head on a chandelier, showering his arm with broken glass, his publicist, Judy Katz, said.

Doctors operated to repair the injury and Hasselhoff spent one night at St. Thomas' Hospital in central London, Katz said.

'He's fine,' Katz said by phone from New York. 'He's out of the hospital and will resume filming tomorrow.'

Hasselhoff is working on an ad campaign for Pipex, a British internet company, she said.

Hail Hoff, king of kings. If Hoff jumps very high in the air whilst shaving in a London gym, hitting the chandelier, then it was for a reason. Hoffworld is located on a plane far higher than our own, and events that occur there are outside our comprehension. All we know is that they happen for the greater good of humanity and creation.

Thanks to Jenny for spotting this.

Hoffed off?

1. Hoff

Verb, pertaining to David Hasselhoff.

To be Hoffed - to be sent homoerotic images of David Hasselhoff in questionable outfits/poses with various props/animals. Considered an extreme insult, the most common form of Hoffing is done through electronic mail although various new and inventive methods have recently been discovered. The first ever hoffing is said to have taken place in 1997 in the town of Heidelberg in Germany where David Hasselhoff is an extremely popular singer. According to urban legend, a young male high school student sent the David Hasselhoff calendar (if you have never seen this consider yourself lucky) to a girl he had a crush on in an attempt to woo her. The attempt backfired when the horrified girl choked on a chicken sandwich which she was eating whilst opening the calendar. The act of Hoffing has since spread from smalltown Germany to the mainstream claiming thousands of victims. Although not usually resulting in loss of life, a Hoffing can lead to severe psychological trauma, temporary loss of motor function and 9 times out of 10 it will affect the Hoffee's up-chuck mechanism.

Many thanks [cough... splutter] to Jenny for the pointer. Those Aussie Yahoo guys are really showing the way forward.

Get yer KITT off

Observant Hoff disciples and automobile fetishists in Edinburgh would have noticed this last friday, and got themselves along to the university to stroke and fondle the "famous black car". Unobservant ones would have to make do with playing this (listening very carefully to the lyrics), or watching this.

Thanks to Al for the tip. Being a sensible Edinburgh boy, I'm sure he was there.

My name is Hasselhoff, King of Kings. Look upon my works, ye Mighty, and despair

As predicted by Mr Banks and myself many, many decades ago:

Hodder & Stoughton is delighted to announce the acquisition of World Rights for the autobiography of 'The Most Watched Star in The World', David Hasselhoff Described as a "living legend" and a "counterculture icon", with "super-human allure" David Hasselhoff has been named one of "TV's Ten Most Powerful Stars." The Hoff holds the official Guinness Book of World Records Award for 'The Most Watched TV Star in the World', with an estimated weekly audience of more than 76.1 billion in 6,348 countries. His Baywatch series has been seen by a combined audience of 275.7 trillion people - just short of the population of the entire universe.

But really, nearly all of that passage is extraneous. It could be reduced to just one simple word, as could any other piece of writing (including the Bible). The word?

HOFF.

Thanks to Sarah W for this world-changing news.

Hoff Academy

Hi. This is The Hoff, and my pet eagle, guest-blogging for Charley Williamson. Charley has gone off to the Port Eliot Festival now, where he will be doing his "noir academy" thing at 9pm Saturday. But you know what I'd rather be doing at that time on a Saturday night? I'd rather be sitting in a high class restaurant with a beautiful woman, gently singing one of my many ballads into her ear. Or I could be straddling the Berlin Wall, ripping it down brick by brick while singing "Looking For Freedom".

Anyway, if you're not going to this Port Eliot Festival, I suggest you entertain yourself with this fun David Hasselhoff Pac-man game. It's great.

Great Novelisations (no. 3 in a series)

"Michael Knight's surgically reconstructed face was not the result of random choice or accident. It was a replica of the face of Garthe Knight, Wilton Knight's son, whom both Wilton and Devon thought had been permanently put away in a remote prison in Africa. After many years in captivity, Garthe managed to escape, washing up in Hazzard County. He blackmails the local doctor (who he caught redhanded performing a perverted sex act) into performing reconstructive surgery on him, leaving him looking exactly like Sheriff Rosco Coltrane. Then it's a simple matter of bumping off the real sheriff and taking his place. Meanwhile he uses further blackmail to force local mechanic Cooter Davenport (perverted sex act) to build a huge pickup truck utilizing the same molecular bonded shell used by KITT. All is now set to enact his a plan to destroy Michael Knight, whom Garthe views as an insult to his very existence. However, his suspicious behaviour is noticed by the good old Duke Boys - Bo and Luke - who give Michael a call and get him to come down and catch his mortal enemy off-guard."

Bruenhoff

My mind is out there in the clouds today. I'm picking up different ideas and fusing them and coming up with monstrous hybrids. Anyway, you probably missed the picture I had up here briefly, earlier on. Guess what the two fused ideas were.

But you won't see it. It's gone. I had to take it down (when I came down). It was just too... Do you know what a satyr is? Here, have a look at this great pic instead:

I Wanna Know What Love Is

Hi. This is The Hoff, and my pet eagle, guest-blogging for Charlie Whatever-his-name-is. Check out this discussion of power ballads at the blog of Ray Banks (my unpaid PR). Why? Because you owe it to yourselves. No one can expect to get on in life without a basic knowledge of history's most influential musical form.

And don't forget - it was ME who brought down the Berlin Wall.