Wednesday, October 31, 2007


There is an Italian version of FAGS AND LAGER out now from Baldini Castoldi, it seems. It is called Paglie e Birre Chiare, which presumably is Italian for fags and lager. If you're Italian, and you like fags and lager or great novels about troubled door staff, go for it!

Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Worried about sheep?

I mean, BLACK SHEEP can make you reassess your opinion of these supposedly docile creatures, right? What with GM and E-numbers and all, maybe they really have started eating people? It makes you think, see? When was the last time you actually walked through a field of sheep? I mean, how would you know that they're not aggressive? Personally I walk through hordes of sheep on a regular basis, and I must say I HAVE noticed the evil eye they have started giving me of late. Turn around fast enough and you'll see it. So maybe BLACK SHEEP is on to something there. Maybe BLACK SHEEP is actually, like, a documentary?

But hey, now you can rest easy. The Guardian have taken steps to quell the burgeoning mass hysteria by getting an expert's opinion:

"The reality is that sheep won't bite you. At the front of their mouths, they have teeth only on the lower jaw, so they wouldn't be able to rip the flesh off your bones even if they tried. The only way to get bitten by a sheep is to stick your fingers right into the back of its mouth to reach the cheek teeth. You'd really have to be trying."
Feel OK now? Happy to walk once more amongst our woolly brethren? No? Well this should do it for you:

"And of course, they're herbivores, so they wouldn't enjoy a human intestine even if you offered them one."

Friday, October 19, 2007

Small dilemma

A few months ago I saw a new play advertised at my local theatre. It's called BOUNCERS, and it looked right up my street, me being a purveyor of doorman literature and all. When I looked into it, I found that this was a play with a long history and a big reputation. No way was I going to miss it, so I bought tickets.

For this Saturday night.


You've got to understand - back then, no one would have anticipated England making it to the Rugby World Cup Final. But there they are - the ragtag band of iron-willed brothers who just will not lie down (when Jonny is playing), versus the awesome team from the New World who kicked their pale arses out of sight not so long back.

Part of me thinks "Sod it. Don't go. Watch the game - which is surely the most hotly anticipated game in history in any sport - and catch the play some other time. Lisa won't mind missing a rare night out."

Another part thinks: "This is fate. This clash of interests was preordained months... nay, millenia ago and you cannot tinker with it. For whatever reason, the England Rugby Team requires that you sit this one out in a non-TV environment. They will do what they have to do, and you will come out of the theatre and find out how it went. Trust me - it'll be just as exciting."

Another part of me thinks: "Bring a little TV into the theatre. No one is going to be there anyway. Not even the cast!"

Another part of me says: "You honestly think Lisa won't mind missing a rare night out?"

Yet another part says: "Ring the theatre. Make them understand the importance of the occasion and tell them to put up a big screen instead of the play. The cast can watch it and everything."

Then there's the bit that says: "Ring up Paris just before the game. Tell them you've planted a b..." No, don't listen. Don't listen!


Thursday, October 11, 2007

"You're gonna have to go through hell, worse than any nightmare you've ever dreamed"

This Saturday night (Moscow Time) sees America's own faded former champ Evander Holyfield travel deep into enemy territory to take on Sultan Ibragimov - the WBO Heavyweight champ. If Holyfield wins it'll make him an amazing five-times heavyweight champ and get a slice of the heavyweight cake back on the USA plate. But more importantly, this is just like Rocky and Ivan Drago all over again.

Rocky was past his best and the universal underdog. Evander is 44 and has taken some beatings of late. Ibragimov is an unbeaten heavyweight built by evil scientists in a lab, just like Drago. Rocky and Evander are blue collar heroes. Sultan and Ivan are both just robots incapable of uttering only short phrases such as "You will lose," or "If he dies, he dies," or "I must break you".

OK, Evander is black and Sultan does not have a blonde flat-top, but everything else is identical. Evander will turn the crowd around and have them chanting his name at the end. Sultan will angrily proclaim his selfishness and incur the wrath of Vladimir Putin. But most importantly of all, Evander apparently has a real ROBOT in his house that glides around serving drinks and playing tinny 80s music.

Monday, October 01, 2007

Message in a tube