We're not indestructible

Rocky Balboa was a role model to a generation of teenage boys growing up in the 80s. From the humble southpaw slugger we learned how to cope with seemingly unbeatable opponents, what to have for breakfast and how to drive really slowly in a toy car. But most of all he showed us how to deal with existential angst: get in your Lamborghini and run a montage through your head:

Got a spare 45 quid?

Most people would stick it in their back pocket, go down the pub and blow it on beer, fags and fruit machines. Or maybe hit the bookies and put it on a horse.

Marc Price didn't. He chose to use his £45 to gatecrash Cannes with this baby:

IMDB

Hey, I've finally made it into the pages of the Internet Movie Database, a resource I've been poring over as a cinema fan ever since it started (the IMDB, not cinema itself). In that world I'm known as Charlie Williams VIII, like a cross between George Hamilton IV and Henry VIII and... erm... someone called Charlie Williams. Obviously this credit is down to my recent efforts working up the screenplay for the short film ARK (currently showing at a film festival near you, as long as you're in Palm Springs). However...

(There's always a however, ain't there?)

You will note that there are two writers down as writers of Ark. Charlie Williams and Charlie Williams. You click on one and it leads to me - CW8 (as they say). But click on the other and you get CW7, born 28 November, 2002.

The guy is not yet six years old, and I have to share a writing credit with him?

ARK and Palm Springs

Hello. ARK has been accepted for inclusion in the 2008 Palm Springs International Shortfest, August 21-27. We're not talking Bognor Regis here. We're not talking Scunthorpe, Stranraer or Batley. We are talking Palm Springs. Never has a place name conjured up such images of living la dolce vita. Palm trees, er... springs... it's all there.

As I was saying, ARK has been accepted at the 2008 Palm Springs International Shortfest, August 21-27. This means that YOU will get to watch it if you find yourself in that palmy, springy place. Just to whet your appetite (and to get those filthy images of palms and springs out of your head), here are some pics:






That's ARK, ladies and gents, starring Simone Lahbib and Raffaello Degruttola, directed by Mal Woolford, produced by Andrea Thornton and written by George Lucas. Just kidding.

You missed it

If you were in Peterborough last night you could have caught the world premiere of ARK at the Space4 Film Festival. Due to long-standing commitments I wasn't there, but I hope those who did attend had a good time and enjoyed the film. Any other screenings, I'll be sure to let you know in advance. And maybe be there.

PRONG 2: Screen

I have turned DEADFOLK into a screenplay and I'm trying to get agent interest. I'm still not sure whether it's best suited to cinema or TV, but it is what it is. And it's a feature-length screenplay. And a novel, of course.

Then there is the short film ARK, recently shot with such flare by Mal Woolford and team. That's an exciting one and I can't wait to see how it turns out (seen the rushes - wow, is that ever a thrill for a writer). Hopefully I'll be working with those guys again this summer.

If there is a plan afoot here, it is aimed at getting me broken into both features and TV. Or just one of them. Back when I started writing, I wouldn't have had a clue how to go about writing a script, let alone how that then becomes a film or show. Then I wrote DEADFOLK and the others, and started looking at them as stories that might crossover to the screen pretty well. Then I met a few film and TV people and gradually got drawn in. That's how it was for me.

Tomorrow, Prong #3.

ARK

Above is a photo I took when I did my first visit to a film set a couple of weekends ago, in a wood near Hemel Hempstead. ARK is a short film directed by Mal Woolford, produced by Andrea Thornton and written by me. The idea was to come up with something that could be shot in one continuous take, that would do what all good stories must do but without relying on dialogue. I think the result will be something special. The film features Simone Lahbib of WIRE IN THE BLOOD and BAD GIRLS fame and her husband Raffaello Degruttola, and giving them some character guidance was about all I could offer. That and pushing the van, which got stuck in mud a lot. There was a bunch of other people in involved who you'll be able to see on IMDB once the film gets a listing. They were all very cool and welcoming to this writer who didn't really have any business being there. Even when I knocked the Steadicam over. Just kidding.

Anyway, I'll let you know how ARK pans out. I really hope you get to see it because there's a hell of a lot of good stuff going into it.

Is there a Ralph's around here?

"I'm sorry sir, I cannot understand you"

Worried about sheep?

I mean, BLACK SHEEP can make you reassess your opinion of these supposedly docile creatures, right? What with GM and E-numbers and all, maybe they really have started eating people? It makes you think, see? When was the last time you actually walked through a field of sheep? I mean, how would you know that they're not aggressive? Personally I walk through hordes of sheep on a regular basis, and I must say I HAVE noticed the evil eye they have started giving me of late. Turn around fast enough and you'll see it. So maybe BLACK SHEEP is on to something there. Maybe BLACK SHEEP is actually, like, a documentary?

But hey, now you can rest easy. The Guardian have taken steps to quell the burgeoning mass hysteria by getting an expert's opinion:

"The reality is that sheep won't bite you. At the front of their mouths, they have teeth only on the lower jaw, so they wouldn't be able to rip the flesh off your bones even if they tried. The only way to get bitten by a sheep is to stick your fingers right into the back of its mouth to reach the cheek teeth. You'd really have to be trying."

Feel OK now? Happy to walk once more amongst our woolly brethren? No? Well this should do it for you:

"And of course, they're herbivores, so they wouldn't enjoy a human intestine even if you offered them one."

Stai per entrare in una valle di lacrime

I'm still here. I have not gone AWOL. I'm doing a bit of this, bit of that. Sowing my seeds of creativity hither and thither. Some will take root and others will land on the harsh and stony ground (thither) and die. But they won't drive me out of town, oh no. I'm staying. I'm finishing my coffee. Enjoying my coffee.

Remake News

Will Smith has signed up for the proposed remake of the 1996 movie INDEPENDANCE DAY. Asked how he would justify a remake of such a recent film, he said: "In the modern world, time moves more quickly than in old-fashioned times. Therefore we don't have to wait thirty or more years before we can get away with a remake. More shit goes under the bridge. Also we thought it would be cool to make the president an African American. That's who I'm playing, actually. I've been doing intensive training with one of the world's top rousing speech experts and I can't wait to show you all my chops. And we thought it would be a fun twist to make the hotshot pilot a white man this time. Not only is he a white man now, but he is a woman. An Asian woman. Also we know more about aliens now. We know, for example, that they cannot in fact control our minds like we thought they could back in '96. It is actually our bladders that they control. So now we have the aliens making people urinate at their will, thereby giving us a new angle on the action."

Asked if he thought there would be more of an anti-war theme, Smith said: "The aliens are also going to look different this time. Instead of all those tentacles and shit, they are going to look more like us. We are going to have white ones and Asian ones and African American ones, to show that we are all the same under the skin. And there is going to be a couple of good aliens who try to sabotage the evil shit that is planned. They will be played by Cuba Gooding Jr and Lucy Liu. The evil alien boss will be Alan Rickman. Also some of the humans will have tentacles, to show that we are all the same under the skin."

In other news, John Carpenter's 1981 classic ESCAPE FROM NEW YORK is going to get a remake.

NB: Those linking here from movie news sites should be aware that this post is TOTAL BULLSHIT. Apart from the bit about Escape From New York. Sheesh...

Cox in a Box

Alex Cox tells it like they don't want to hear it in the Guardian:

We are told 10 Rillington Place "brilliantly embodies the seedy degradation of the real little Britain of the time". Get Carter depicts "a Britain paralysed by strikes and a failing economy ... in short, a nation on the skids". Get Carter was made in 1971. I was a teenager then, and can assure the promoters of this depressing vision that, despite strikes and IRA atrocities, Albion was a long way from skid row. When I went to college, the government paid for it. I incurred no debt. The state owned the water pipes, the reservoirs, the airline, the lecky, the telephone system and the railways, which ran on time and were reasonably cheap. We weren't engaged in two wars of colonial aggression. Muslims weren't our enemies. And the weather was great!

Four films seen over the weekend

SIDEWAYS I loved this. A repressed writer goes on a booze cruise with his unrestrained mate. Could there be a better tag-line than that? (Actually I made it up.)

REVENGER'S TRAGEDY

What happened to this film? It's fucking ace. Clearly a lot was taken from Baz Luhrman, but the whole idea behind this film had me slotting her in the player short of breath and with tremulous fingers, and I was not disappointed. Christopher Eccleston was brilliant and hard as nails, and it was good to see Eddie Izzard playing the least camp of the Duke's five sons. Alex Cox and Frank Cottrell Boyce pulled the perfect trick - giving us a 400 year old play and making it fresh. That's all you need to do, 400 year old play-wise. But why doesn't this film have a higher profile? Ah, I know... Thomas Middleton's name is not William Shakespeare.

ZIDANE: A 21ST CENTURY PORTAIT

I could destroy this film. I could attack it from every angle, like a turn-of-the-millenium Real Madrid side, picking at every glaring defiency bit by bit before firing home with the unstoppable fact that the directors are artists and not film directors. But... I liked it. I fucking loved this film. I want to watch it again! Ninety minutes of Zinedine Zidane's every move and gesture, totally ignoring the ball and the other players, is fine by me.

TV ADDICT

The edited video diaries of Rick Kirkham - TV news anchorman, loving father, all-round American good guy and hopeless crack addict. Rarely have I been so compelled by the fruits of our self-obsessed, self-documenting age. Absolutely harrowing viewing, but it just seemed so right that one whose whole identity is built around TV-friendliness should have a desperate need to fill himself full of crack cocaine.

Jeff Bridges and The Wisdom of Fingernails

Personally I believe everything Jeff Bridges says, no matter what he says. And this time he happens to be talking about The Big Lebowski, so it's extra special.

I had one of those trinity moments yesterday. The thing I'm writing at the moment, someone has just got coshed senseless, so he's left unconscious. Then I picked up the book I'm currently reading (a Fred Brown) and the protag, where I left off, had just been knocked out. And all day long, over and over, I had The Stranger in my head, saying "Darkness washed over the Dude..."

"We've got the school dinners"

Dunno how I missed this one. Looks like a film is being made of Magnus Mills' brilliant debut novel THE RESTRAINT OF BEASTS. Must be nearly ten years now since that book appeared. Some may know that Mills is one of my favourite authors. His humour is dry as rough scrumpy yet as restrained as, well, a beast. He is also quintessially English, in a way that your average Newsnight Review talking author can only ever dream of being. He also (still, I hear) drives buses. How can you top that?

If they can pull it off on the screen, fair play to them. Looks like Rhys Ifans is on board so there's a head start.

Hey, did you see that? I just did a proper blog post! Not a Capri in sight (unless you scroll down).

Mr Lenin, awaken the boy

Hey, me here. Been a bit quiet here of late. Here are three random facts for you:

1. The appendices to Alan Moore and Eddie Campbell's FROM HELL take much longer to read than the novel itself.

2. There are lots of little black and red beetles everywhere. What are they? Never seen the little buggers before. Are they aliens?

3. 28 WEEKS LATER is out next week. Or this week, or whatever. Personally I'm not sold on fast-moving zombies. There is something creepy as hell about relentless shamblers. Fulci's have the edge on Romero's.

4. Beating a late-career Oscar De la Hoya proved nothing. Pretty Boy Floyd should have faced up to Ricky Hatton at light-welter. Or Miguel Cotto. Not one of these big-name proven losers. Mayweather comparing himself to the Sugar Rays is a joke. Robinson faced everyone. And dispute the outcome all you like, but Leonard put it all on the line against the steamroller that was Marvin Hagler.

I was made for it

Catching up on films noir last night, I finally saw what might possibly be the best one of all. My mum has been on at me to watch NIGHTMARE ALLEY for years, without being able to say much about it other than mentioning Tyrone Power and geeks. I think it has only been on DVD for a year or so, which is criminal for such a fantastic piece of work, but at least I've seen it now.

I won't go into plot details. (Use IMDB for that.) All I'll say is that my mum was right when she said it was about geeks. These days we picture the "geek" as someone in spectacles hunched over a keyboard with an obsessive look about him. Rather like I am at this moment. But back then, in 1947 and earlier, the geek was a kind of human abomination who provided the most lurid and questionable thrills at a travelling "carny".

I've always been fascinated by freakshows and the exploitation of human abberations, but the geek is fits into neither of these camps, being a psychological rather than a physical phenomenon. At the beginning we see the geek on show and witness him (off camera) devouring a couple of live chickens. It seems the geek is the lowest form of human life, devoid of dignity and willpower and any kind of fight whatsoever. He is there to be exploited, and exploited he must be. All he needs is his "bottle a day" (of gin or whatever), and he's happy to go on. Stan (Tyrone Power) questions how any man can get so low. During the course of the next couple of hours, he finds out.

This film is superb on so many levels. Best of all it is utterly original and unlike anything else you have seen. If you catch the DVD (Region 2 at least - I don't know about other territories) don't miss the background notes by Woody Haut.

Find this film and watch it. Become mildly obsessed with it and make others so. NIGHTMARE ALLEY should have a following. Of geeks, freaks and all the rest.

Erm...

Just to clarify, they are not making a film of any of my books right now, starring Gerard Depardieu or Uma Thurman or anyone else. That pic below, I just thought it looked like Blakey. You know what I mean? No?

Never mind.

He'd never be able to handle the accent anyway. But Uma Thurman, she'd be alright as Rache. Ah, shut up! There's no movie!

CACHÉ

You cool people have probably seen it and got over it already, but if you haven't I urge you to see CACHÉ (HIDDEN). One of those films I had to watch again straight after. And this was one time I appreciated having a director's/writer's interview as an extra. You don't need to hear a film explained, but it was great to hear about how he approaches the form and what he cares about. I now want to see all of Michael Haneke's films. I loved what he said about the scene where Laurent first confronts Majid - in a Hollywood movie it would be the hero who is cool and collected, whilst the (perceived) villain (or at least obstacle) is brittle and can be broken down. Here that is reversed. I love that. I am a big fan of reversal. I love reversal so much that I've had extra gears fitted to my car so I can reverse in comfort at high speed.

Michael Haneke is a director after my own heart. I'm still thinking about the film now, after talking about it for two days with whoever will listen. There's so much true mystery going on here, and you find yourself desperate to find stuff out and get to the bottom of things. Intense, compelling stuff. In the end, though, the list of things you need to know gets drastically narrowed down.

Someone here warned me to watch out for the final scene. I must admit - it passed me by the first time. Even now, having gone and watched it again and spotted it, I'm not sure what to make of it. And I love that!