Fuckshovel

"Their debut video (for Long Time Dead) is straight forward yet inspired. Starring Nobby, their twenty-six stone tour driver, as it’s star, he doesn’t talk, dance or act, he just polishes off seven tins of Ravioli in three and a half minutes. The fat bastard. MTV have rinsed it while Nobby is still digesting it all."



Fuckshovel

Why the Fat Man will rule the world

If you don't like boxing, maybe you should sign off now. This is about Ricky Hatton, who destroyed José Luis Castillo this weekend. I know it's easy to get carried away with these things, but I've thought about it for a few years and I believe he could take over the world. What's in his way? Several things:

Malignaggi
I'm starting off with an easy one. Paulie Malignaggi is the new IBF champ and is seen by the HBO paymasters as the up-and-comer, and a mouthy one at that. I reckon Ricky should take him next, otherwise the little upstart will be running off at the mouth for the next couple of years about how he's being avoided. And take the fight to MSG, so Ricky can be a true visiting opponent and pick up a few new fans. 

Mosley
He's been beaten, but the challenge of Mosley is that he still seems as good as ever and represents a genuine welterweight test. Hatton needs to give himself a few months to grow into welter properly, instead of the 6 weeks he gave himself for Collazo (a fight which Hatton nevertheless WON). Mosley is still considered "p4p", and he seems to want the fight. Do him.

Oscar
Oscar is the big guy. And I'm not talking fame and riches, but his frame. He is more than four inches taller than Ricky and has won a world title at MW, yet could still make welter without too much trouble. But come on, does he still have the fire to win? Ricky would do a Tyson on him (Oscar playing Trevor "wobbly legs" Berbick). But I guess Oscar remains a gatekeeper of sorts, and a victory over him would alert the non-boxing public to the fact that Ricky is the new deity. And even if beating this win brings no credibility, think of the money!

Mayweather
Ah yes, the much celebrated p4p king. Sure, he's slick as hell and one technical boxer. But has anyone looked at his opponents lately? Oscar, Judah, ex-journeyman Baldomir, Gatti, Mitchell... These guys are ALL past their peak. Mayweather touched down on light-welter for THREE FIGHTS for before looking around him, seeing Hatton and Cotto and reaching for his coat. Leaving aside recent fights, you have his victories against Castillo and Corrales. THESE were his career definers - an unbeaten Corrales and a peak Castillo. Saying that, I had Castillo winning that first fight no problem. Mayweather was a lucky guy. After getting past the rematch, I guess he decided that live opponents are too much trouble.

Cotto
For me, Cotto is the biggest obstacle. Forget Mayweather, Cotto is the real p4p king (excluding Hatton). Mayweather dances, Cotto goes for the throat. Mayweather is clever and loves money and bling, Cotto is just a 100% fighter and a proud one at that. He's fucking dangerous, as a rejuvenated Zab Judah recently found out. Mayweather wouldn't go near him. Hatton should... after dispensing with all of the above.

Beer and Pies
I'm not joking - Ricky's off-duty lifestyle is probably his biggest enemy. He piles on the pounds between bouts and can often be found down the pub, knocking back the sauce, hoovering pork scratchings and frittering away all his millions on the "Eastenders" fruit machine. I reckon he's got two years left as a top boxer if he carries on like that. No way will he be a Joe Calzaghe, 35 and still at the top. Let alone the amazing Bernard Hopkins (41).

OK, if he does all that, then he can retire.

Ford Capri Picture #296

"Eli, Eli, Lama Sabachthani?"

"We've got the school dinners"

Dunno how I missed this one. Looks like a film is being made of Magnus Mills' brilliant debut novel THE RESTRAINT OF BEASTS. Must be nearly ten years now since that book appeared. Some may know that Mills is one of my favourite authors. His humour is dry as rough scrumpy yet as restrained as, well, a beast. He is also quintessially English, in a way that your average Newsnight Review talking author can only ever dream of being. He also (still, I hear) drives buses. How can you top that?

If they can pull it off on the screen, fair play to them. Looks like Rhys Ifans is on board so there's a head start.

Hey, did you see that? I just did a proper blog post! Not a Capri in sight (unless you scroll down).

Ford Capri Picture #293

"Abandon Hope, All Ye Who Enter Here"

Say, friend, you got any more of that good sarsaparilla?

As some of you may have noticed, this is hardly a great era in the history of Charlie Williams Blogging. You could argue that the Capri pictures are great works of art that need to be shared with the world (and personally I hold to that view), but you could also argue that they are shit.

Argumentative little bastard, ain't you?

Anyways, the truth is that I just can't be arsed. You know what I mean? Sometimes you can, sometimes you can't. Be arsed, that is. Sometimes you eat the bar, and sometimes the arse beats you. So, in an effort to break out of this blue-arsed funk, I thought I'd write about it. Here, for your reading pleasure.

News. That always helps, if you want to blog and keep blogging. Well, there is no news. A few things in the oven, but no cakes ready to throw at you just yet. Soon, perhaps. (Come on, you heel-dragging cunts!)

Reviews and stuff are also good and bloggable. And I have seen some top films and read some class books recently. But it's that arse-funk again. The blue one. It's stopping me from sharing my entusiasm.

Another thing people seem to use blogs for is airing their opinions on news and current affairs. Believe me, my opinions are best kept hidden. Ideally some of them should be wrestled to the ground and put in an airtight titanium capsule, then blasted off into the far-reaches of the solar system. Not because they're bad, bad opinions, but because they change so much. They slither and squirm and morph, like something from Trap Door. I'd write something heartfelt and convincing, then read it the next day and think: "But what about the other side?" Ah, that old duality thing.

Nah, fiction's me game, making up stories and shit. Some people have strong opinions, others have strong novels.

Ford Capri Picture #292

"Run with the Dogs Tonight"

Ford Capri Picture #291

This one is called "Ford Capri at the Gates of Dawn"...