I heard the Queen is pregnant, or summat, and she's off work for a bit cos of puking up in the morning. Personally I ain't buying that. I had a few high-up positions in major companies in my time - including being head doorman of Hoppers and head of summat at the Wossname Centre - and if there's one thing you learns to do when folks is ringing up sick in the morning it's this: check what day it is. If it's a Wednesday or a Thursday or summat, fair play, they might actually be a bit ill. But if it's a Monday, which is the case here with the Queen and her sicknote, they'm lying. No one gets proper sick at weekends - every fucker knows that. What has happened is they have gone out on the razz. Maybe on the Saturday, and got so caned they can't even face the world two mornings later. Maybe on the Sunday, which I personally don't agree with. Sundays was declared in the Bible as the national day of rest, out of respect for door staff and other folks who works in piss houses right up until the early hours of that day. So it seems to me the Queen has been raiding the drinks cabinet at Buckingham Castle. Or maybe she went down the Prince of Wales, which is a pub on the Barkettle Road owned by her son, Prince Charles, rumour has it. Mind you, I ain't sure I believes that rumour. I mean, if he did own it, why didn't they name it after him instead of some cunt from Wales?