Sunday, April 28, 2013

Opinions are like chickens

A couple of new ONE DEAD HEN reviews on the Zon this week. But these two critics had mixed feelings about their subject matter. This disturbs me somehow. So let's talk to each one in turn and try to understand the problem.
First up, Edwina. Edwina's favourite books include "A Cup of Christmas Tea", "The Clue is in the Pudding" and "The Holy Bible". Some big hitters there, and a lot to match up to. Let's start by getting the formalities out of the way. Edwina, are you a purist or a prude?
"I am not a purist or a prude"
Thank you. So let's move onto the book. If you took into account every book you have ever read (such as "The Breath of God" and "A is for Annabelle: A Doll's Alphabet""), where would you rank One Dead Hen?
"This is the worst book I have ever read."
I see. But surely there was something of worth in it. The plot, maybe? The characters?
"The plot (?) is rather non-existent and the characters should be."
Right. Well, there are some good actions in it, yes? Also this is a series which has been hailed for its inventive use of language. Would you go along with that?
"It is a series of revolting language separated by ridiculous actions."
I'm starting to see where this is going. Time for a personal question. Did you get turned on when reading it? Just a little bit?
"A definite turn off and an author that goes on my short list which actually is quite short containing only his name."
Well, that's something. That short list of yours sounds really exclusive. And I am on it! So Amazon did something right when they published me, yes? I mean, I'm a real club guy now.
"Sorry, Amazon, you blew it on this guy.."
"Oh, yes"
But you gave it one star. That means you liked 20% of this book, doesn't it?
"The one star is because the book is the right height for my coffee cup."
Let's move onto critic #2, Kay Helms. Kay's favourite books include "The Bride of the Wilderness" and "Old Maid's Puzzle (A Quilting Mystery)". So, Kay, what would you say One Dead Hen was about? Would you say it is about the limited life options available to women in oppressive societies?
"This book is more about bad grammar and foul language."
But chapter 28 is about chickens. Did you like that?
"I could not get past the first chapter."
Damn, that is a shame. So you stopped reading? I feel let down by that, Kay. What was your reason for stopping? And make it a good one.
"I had to stop."
Fair enough
Many thanks to this week's literary critics. Next week we talk to another one-star reviewer. Better still, let's talk to a chicken. Let's interview an actual, real life, feathers and beak chicken.


Heath Lowrance said...

Ha. Well, this made my day. Brilliant.

Helen Smith said...

Fantastic. Just read a one star review on one of my books. Your post cheered me up.

Charlie Williams said...

There is something satisfying about a one star review. It means the battle lines are drawn, and someone has picked the other side. Someone who likes quilting mysteries

sarah said...

Awesome. Makes me want to read your book!

Charlie Williams said...

Thank you. Wow, I've turned a couple of slatings into a potential book sale!

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Charlie Williams said...

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