Your Place Is In the FREE Section

Hey man, you can get my short story Kindle collection for free this week. It is called YOUR PLACE IS IN THE SHADOWS and features six short stories from the past 13-odd years. Some noir, some weird... ALL worth more than the asking price of £$D1ddly Squ4t. And what do I ask in return, pray tell? Nothing. Only your happiness. And maybe a review. And hey, the other books are for sale (cough).

Yanks get it here, limeys here, canucks here and other nationalities wherever your local Amazon website is.

Opinions are like chickens

A couple of new ONE DEAD HEN reviews on the Zon this week. But these two critics had mixed feelings about their subject matter. This disturbs me somehow. So let's talk to each one in turn and try to understand the problem.

First up, Edwina. Edwina's favourite books include "A Cup of Christmas Tea", "The Clue is in the Pudding" and "The Holy Bible". Some big hitters there, and a lot to match up to. Let's start by getting the formalities out of the way. Edwina, are you a purist or a prude?

"I am not a purist or a prude"

Thank you. So let's move onto the book. If you took into account every book you have ever read (such as "The Breath of God" and "A is for Annabelle: A Doll's Alphabet""), where would you rank One Dead Hen?

"This is the worst book I have ever read."

I see. But surely there was something of worth in it. The plot, maybe? The characters?

"The plot (?) is rather non-existent and the characters should be."

Right. Well, there are some good actions in it, yes? Also this is a series which has been hailed for its inventive use of language. Would you go along with that?

"It is a series of revolting language separated by ridiculous actions."

I'm starting to see where this is going. Time for a personal question. Did you get turned on when reading it? Just a little bit?

"A definite turn off and an author that goes on my short list which actually is quite short containing only his name."

Well, that's something. That short list of yours sounds really exclusive. And I am on it! So Amazon did something right when they published me, yes? I mean, I'm a real club guy now.

"Sorry, Amazon, you blew it on this guy.."

Oh.

"Oh, yes"

But you gave it one star. That means you liked 20% of this book, doesn't it?

"The one star is because the book is the right height for my coffee cup."

Let's move onto critic #2, Kay Helms. Kay's favourite books include "The Bride of the Wilderness" and "Old Maid's Puzzle (A Quilting Mystery)". So, Kay, what would you say One Dead Hen was about? Would you say it is about the limited life options available to women in oppressive societies?

"This book is more about bad grammar and foul language."

But chapter 28 is about chickens. Did you like that?

"I could not get past the first chapter."

Damn, that is a shame. So you stopped reading? I feel let down by that, Kay. What was your reason for stopping? And make it a good one.

"I had to stop."

Fair enough

Many thanks to this week's literary critics. Next week we talk to another one-star reviewer. Better still, let's talk to a chicken. Let's interview an actual, real life, feathers and beak chicken.

Your Place is in the Shadows

I have put together six of my finest short stories in a little collection for Kindle. It's called Your Place is in the Shadows and is retailing at minimum price.

At first the idea was to get some of my short stuff out there in the hope that it leads people to the longer stuff. But then I read these things again, and I'm not sure how similar they are. Some are crime, some more horror, others kind of sf or slipstream. Some are clearly set in a world similar to Mangel (or Warchester), others clearly elsewhere. The earliest was written way before I even thought about Deadfolk, others way later.

But I'm proud of them all. I have have written plenty of shorts, and I'm only picking what I consider to be the good 'uns for this (and one or two subsequent volumes later this year). Most have been published in mags, anthologies and more recently webzines, others not. And sometimes it's your favourites that don't find a home. In this case (and published here for the first time) it's "Shithead" (based on a card game I came across years ago in France).

If you are a fan of Royston Blake, maybe the story "Punchbag" will reveal a bit of where the old bruiser came from. The main character doesn't have the same dubious charm of Blakey, but he clearly shares some of his appetites. This was first published in the British Fantasy Society's magazine Dark Horizons in 2001.

One particular story I like in this batch is "Some Help From Stanley", featuring a spurned husband who yearns for the family from which he has been usurped. Help comes in the unlikely guise of a phonecall from the late Stanley Kubrick. I consider this my first major sale, hitting the pages of The Third Alternative magazine in 2002, which specialised in horror and weird. But I reckon this story could have just as easily been labelled crime.

See what you think.

Your Place is in the Shadows is on sale in the UK, USA, Canada and everywhere else in Amazon-land.

Charlie interviews Royston

CW: So, Royston Blake, we have a new book out called Made of Stone. Tell us a bit about it.

RB: What this "we" bollocks? You might have your name on the front but it's my fucking story. From now on I wants Royston Blake on the front. My next book is gonna be called "Bastard", and it'll be by Royston Blake. It's about you, by the way.

CW: OK, but tell us a bit about the new one, Made of Stone?

RB: Why don't you tell it?

CW: Well, I've told it already in a couple of places, so maybe it's time for a fresh angle on it. And besides, apparently it's *your* story, right?

RB: What's this "fresh angle" bollocks? I had a mate who cut his thumb off with an angle grinder once. He put it in his lunchbox and took it down the ozzy for em to sew back on. They was able to do it and it recovered no problem, but they done it the wrong way round.

CW: They sewed his thumb on the wrong way round?

RB: That's what I fucking said, ennit? There a parrot in here?

CW: I find that hard to believe.

RB: I'll bust your face.

CW: I hear that Made of Stone concerns a few days you spent running around Mangel with Jock, a Scottish man who runs the burger van in Frotfield Way. How did that come about?

RB: I don't like talking about them times. Some beans you can spill only the once and then you gotta forget about em, cos they'm too traumatical. I spilled em to you once, you writ it down and put it in this fucking book or whatever, now shut the fuck up about it.

CW: But we want people to read it, don't we?

RB: I ain't bothered. People can piss off for all I gives a toss.

CW: Well, I don't share that attitude.

RB: You wouldn't, would you? All you wants is the easy life, sitting in front of your typewriter and clacking out stories that cunts like me have came up with. Not only came up with but lived.

CW: Made of Stone is the fifth book in the Mangel series. You must be proud of that.

RB: I'll tell you what I'm proud of. I'm proud of the time that bunch of wankers from East Bloater came down Hoppers and tried running it. Thirty of em there were, lobbing bottles all over and feeling up Rache and that other barmaid we had then, plus doing other bad wossnames, such as putting their fags out on the floor. And putting "Karma Comedian" on the fucking juke box. What I done next, right, which involved busting each one of their swedes, dragging em out and booting em arsewise into the gutter... *that's* what I'm proud of.

CW: It's "Karma Chameleon", by the way.

RB: You what?

CW: I said... OK, it doesn't matter.

RB: Too right it don't fucking matter. You start correcting my words and I'll start correcting your features, you ugly piece of shite. Eh, is that what you been doing in them books? You been tidying up me vocals and changing bits?

CW: I swear I haven't changed a thing. It's straight from the horse's mouth.

RB: Hang on, is you saying I looks like an 'orse?

CW: Is there any truth in the rumours that the Mangel books will be adapted for TV?

RB: Eh?

CW: You know, like a TV series based on Deadfolk and sequels. Or a mini-series?

RB: I had a Mini once. Some twat had left the keys in her in that car park down Strake Hill. Them fucking things is tiny, I swear. Went over a speed bump and nigh on put me swede through the roof. Plus the doors don't open proper. I almost ended up in the fucking canal, only getting out at the last second. You can still see it down there on a clear day.

You can buy MADE OF STONE here (UK), here (US) or here (Can).

MADE OF STONE giveaway

Hey, I am giving away copies of Made of Stone to lucky prize draw winners. But there's a catch: you have to be on Goodreads. So get on that thing and sign up for this baby:

Goodreads Book Giveaway

Made of Stone

by Charlie Williams

Giveaway ends May 01, 2013.
See the giveaway details at Goodreads.

Enter to win

What's to lose?

Banks

Terrible news about Iain Banks. His Wasp Factory certainly opened a door for me in terms of what you can do with books. I rather petulantly went off him a few years ago after reading RAW SPIRIT (no link provided - for your own good), but I went back on him a couple of years later, in search of the mastery of old and finding it.

But this guy is still alive - why am I talking about him like he is dead?? Let's all go on a Banks-fest (I recommend the slightly unsung Espedair Street) while we wait for his next book, wondering if it will have an "M." in it. (No. Strangely this seems significant.)

Funny, he is someone I feel like I have met, although I definitely haven't. And during this imaginary meeting he thought I was a twat. To be fair, I was probably drunk. On whisky.

The Right Eye of the Tiger

Short Sharp Interview with me over at Paul D Brazill's place. He talks about Rocky, I talk about Rocky... we all talk about Rocky! What else is there to talk about? Oh yes - MADE OF STONE.

"Six months off for bad behaviour"

Eh up. Royston Blake makes a guest appearance at Brit Grit Alley, delicately tackling the sensitive issue of "special needs". Check it here.

Also check this footage of some 18 year old kid electrifying the world in 1998. One moment of magic like that (against Argentina of all teams) makes up for all the years of injury. Enjoy your retirement, Michael Owen. Try not to buy a pub.

And in case you haven't heard, MADE OF STONE is out.

You thought I could get through a whole post without mentioning that?

"Blakey on Tour" comes good

Today sees the publication of MADE OF STONE - Mangel book #5. And this blog is the best place to mark the occasion. Because right here is where I started writing it.

Regular readers of this blog (both of you) will recall how I did a guest blog by Royston Blake a couple of years ago called Blakey on Tour (which seems to have spawned 310 spam comments about drugs - WTF?). For some reason I couldn't find a way to sign off from it, so I continued it. Then I continued the continuation... and so on until I had about thirty of the things and no sign of an end in sight. At that point I took it offline.

Made of Stone is the end result, after a few weeks of writing, rejigging and then several months of the usual publication process. I don't know of any other writer who has done this, although I'm sure I'm not the only one. (If Norris McQuirter is reading, can you check that? If it is, I want in the Guinness Book of Records. Or just a crate of Guinness would be fine, thanks.) I don't mean taking your bloggings and putting them into a book, but writing a blog post which ends up turning into a novel. Not only a novel but the fifth novel in a series, and one which the author loved writing and reckons is OK, if he may say so himself. (He may.)

But do you know what? I'd like to do it again.

There was something about the thought that people are waiting for the next instalment - even if it's just one person - that spurs you on. I felt like Dickens when I was writing that thing. Except Dickens got a shilling for each copy of each instalment he sold, whereas I got a comment if I was lucky (or 310 about black market drugs if I was really unlucky). But do you know what? Those comments were worth more than a shilling. They were worth at least 1.5 shillings.

Anyway, Made of Stone. Please buy it (UK, US, Can), steal it, borrow it... read it. Tell your friends. If you know someone who read Deadfolk or one of the other early ones, tell them. Royston Blake is still around.

And he is on tour.

Arking around

Pssst, do you like films? You do, right? And you like them dark and noirish, right? Films that have a clear, strong storyline but that don't force-feed it to you - you like that, don't you? You like it because it acklowledges that you are an intelligent, sophisticated consumer of the cinematic medium and you can do some of the work yourself, so long as that brain of yours is engaged. This is you, right? I'm describing you.

But there is a problem.

You don't have much time.

No time to watch films because you've books to read... such as this one. Or this one which will be published next week (ahem). Plus you have to eat food, sleep, go to the gym. Get turned away from the gym because you are not a member. Pick up the kids. Get turned away from the school because you have no kids. Remember that you do have kids but you are at the wrong school. Turn up at the correct school five hours late, only to find your kids have been taken into care. Get a visit from the police, etc. That sort of stuff, right? Busy stuff. The kind of stuff that stops you watching films.

Well hey.

Your prayers are answered.

Allow me to present ARK, a short film written by me, directed by Mal Woolford and starring Simone Lahbib in femme fatale mode and Raffaello Degruttola as her high-handed paramour.

Ladies and gents, this film is only 3:49.

That's 3:49.

Even the crazy-busiest person in Crazy-Busy Land can shoe-horn that little babe into their schedule.

Watch the film, see what you think, maybe share it on Facebook or something if you dig it. Then give social services a call about getting those kids back.

Fictional Limbo

Sometimes I have a fully formed character popping into my head and staying there. But he doesn't come with a plot. Try as you might, you can't work him or her into a story. Maybe their story hasn't arrived yet, and I should just hang on until it does? Maybe they are ghosts, condemned to exist in fictional limbo for all of eternity? Maybe their sole purpose is as vehicles for bloggings like these (from eight years ago).

Keith (and Danny), I feel your time will come.

White Rabbits

Happy 2013 to all you lovely people. I know you are lovely because you are probably readers, which means you are at least halfway to loveliness. Or awareness of the human condition in all its fragility and futility, which is even better.

2013 is a year for Royston Blake. These come around when Pluto is in the fifth quadrant, Alpha Centauri lines up with the Death Star and the moon is waxing gibbous. What this means in publishing terms is that a new Mangel book is coming out in March: MADE OF STONE. This is the fifth in the series, and sees much change in the equilibrium of the town but very little change in Blakey, other than more scars. Check it out here (UK) and here (US). I hope loyal Blakey fans will want to find out what's been going on. As ever, newbies can go straight in with no prior Mangel knowledge required. Saying that, they might be interested in the other books in the series too. Plug over.

Resolution for writers
Write your own stuff. Don't piggy-back on the success of others. I'm seeing more and more copy-cat books on the shelves, Twilight this and Fifty Shades of that. Retailers love it, but I don't. Come up with something new, dear anonymous author. Just for me. (Then the rest of us can piggyback on your success.)

Resolution for Kindle owners
Maybe dip your toes into the crystal clear waters of serials this year. Amazon have a few on the go now, and what happens is that you buy the story, then new instalments are beamed down to your Kindle as they appear, via special space rays. Conceivably you could start reading something that hasn't even been finished yet. Ain't that exciting in a non-sexual way? Two to start you off: MATADOR by compadre Ray Banks and THE BETRAYER by Daniel Judson. All I can say is that these two are rocking so far, and I advise you to get on board. Serials were a popular format of fiction back in Victorian times, remember. But now you can put more swearing in.

Resolution for me
Blog more. Although I managed something on this blog for every month of last year, the total was 19 posts. That is NOT good enough. Remember the glory days of 2005, when the post count reached 166? OK, so most of them were crap... but hey, check out the quantity.

Resolution for Santa
Lay off the sauce. Really, is it any kind of example to young people, having a drink at every house you stop off at and then getting behind the reins again? We left you some Baileys this year. You were meant to have a small sip but you DRANK IT ALL. Next year you get orange juice.