Meet the Deadfolk: Lee on Lee

Ah, Lee Munton. Eldest scion of that famous Mangel clan. What happened to you, Lee? Where did it all go wrong? When did you become the bad guy? But maybe you're not? Maybe you're just misunderstood? Hey, I'm sorry but as far as we're concerned, you're Royston Blake's nemesis. Or one of them. Most people in Mangel are Blake's nemesis at one point or other. So go easy on yourself...

Name:	Lee Munton
Birthplace:	Mangel
Occupation:	Local businessman
Fave film:	Porn

“Our dad weren’t happy about dying. Not cos he were afraid of it, but cos he never wanted me running Hoppers. But it were shite, the way he had it. It were like an old folks home, and he got shite singers and magicians performing some nights. Soon as I took over I kicked the old punters out. And them shite singers. Strippers is what punters wants. And loud music played out of big speakers, not some fucking twats with guitars and tambourines. And it would have worked out, if only I hadn’t let our Baz get involved. It was him who fucked up the books, and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t unfuck them. And then there was Blake, who I’d given the simple job of setting fire to the place. Only he could fuck that up the way he did, getting someone killed. But none of them fuck-ups comes even close to the big one – not having no insurance. I still ain’t sure who to blame there.”

Deadfolk

Meet the Deadfolk: Sal on Sal

Next up in the Deadfolk tour of characters is Sal, Royston Blake's on-off gal. Love her or loathe her, Sal is central in Blake's life, even if he ignores everything she says and doesn't give her a moment's thought unless he needs something...

Name:	Sal
Birthplace:	Mangel
Occupation:	Ex-stripper
Fave film:	Dirty Dancing

“I saw that Kimberley from school the other day and she said how well I looked. I were happy about that, because she looked like a rhino herself. No matter what else happens in life, you always have to look after yourself. No one else will. Not even them who says they will, like fellers. They says it but they wants summat else, and when they gets that thing they’re off. That’s why I won’t let a feller tie me down. Not even Blakey, who’s always trying to drag me down the aisle. Not that I won’t, one day. No one better comes along, I’d settle for Blakey no problem. But he does worry me. Sometimes I wonder if he’s a bit damaged in the head, especially when he gets angry and breaks things. But you won’t find me worrying for long. Not with all them other fellers out there.”

Meet the Deadfolk: Jonah on Jonah

This time it's one of the, shall we say, peripheral characters from Deadfolk. PC Jonah may not be pivotal to the events that took place in Mangel  during those few days, but he is a stayer. There are few characters who have made it alive through books 1 to 5, and he is one. I just wish he would chill out a bit...

Name:	Jonah
Birthplace:	Mangel
Occupation:	Police constable
Fave film:	Dirty Harry

“They can’t touch me now. None of them, them scumbags who used to think themselves better than me. Who’s better now? Who’s wearing the cloth of authority? See, it don’t matter how many fights you win or lose at school, it’s about what you’ve got up here, in your noggin. And I’ve got it all. There’s nothing stopping me. Alright, so I’m a constable now, but I’m headed for the top. I’ll be running this force before anyone knows it. And where will they be, them wankers from school who thought the world was theirs? In the gutter – that’s where. Especially that Royston Blake. One day he will pay for what he did at primary school. Sometimes I hear a toilet flush and it all comes back to me, and I have to lie down. HE did that. HE will pay. But not yet.”

Meet the Deadfolk: Blake on Blake

Over the next few days, for the pure hell of it, all of the main characters from DEADFOLK will be introducing themselves to you. This is a good thing. You want to meet them. But only through the medium of this blog.

Anyway, first up is the man himself, everyone's favourite small town doorman...

Name:	Royston Blake
Birthplace:	Mangel
Occupation:	Doorman
Fave film:	Rocky III

“You could say Hoppers is the best thing ever happened to me. When I started working here I moved up a few rungs on the career ladder. And it ain’t just about the money – it’s about respect. Fellers started talking to us right, acting polite and not swearing so much. Birds started trying to tap off with us (although, to be fair, things ain’t ever been different on that score). When you looks at it, you see that there ain’t no more important job in Mangel than the one I got. They all wants in Hoppers of a night, and it’s me saying yay or nay. I got total authority here and they all knows it – including the boss. Mind you, there is more to life. I can see meself in one of them nice big detached places out Danghill way, a nice bird in the kitchen and a couple of younguns round me ankles, although they better watch out down there cos I can be clumsy. But that’s the only fault I got, I swear. Which is how come I got to where I am, being the highest community pillar in Mangel. So aye, Hoppers is the best thing ever happened to me. But it goes both ways.”

Bizzy

Man, have I been busy. You know that bee, the busy one? That's me. And just like that bee, I can't tell you what I've been doing. It's top secret. This is a secret that is so top that I'm getting dizzy just thinking about it. But it is cool... and I will tell you in time. Don't I tell you everything in time?

Thinking about it, how do you tell something *outside* time? Surely only Scott Bakula can do that?

But I do have news: next month something pretty cool will be coming your way, should you want it. Erm, I can't tell you what it is.

Are you getting annoyed with me? Sorry. Trust me, if I break these vows of secrecy this man will come after me. Just hang in there - gimme a bit of time and I will spill those beans in full.

Meanwhile, how about a book?

Your place is in the bin

Although it's hardly unreserved praise, I got a kick out of seeing this reader review of my little short story collection YOUR PLACE IS IN THE SHADOWS. Of the six stories therein, the review singles out SHITHEAD for the biggest thumbs-up. And do you know what?

That is the only one that failed to get published anywhere else beforehand.

All of the others appeared in either anthologies or small press print magazines. (God, did I love appearing in those things back in the day.) But this one never found a home. And it's not because of the title, because back before I retired it the title was something else. At the time I kind of understood why they were rejecting it (which I won't say here because it might colour your judgement, should you ever read it). But it didn't make me think any less of the story. Sometimes you write something and you're almost crying with satisfaction that you churned out a piece that pretty much resembles that initial vision - and even surpasses it...  but you know it'll be a bitch to sell.

Hey, I sold it now. Or rather I'm selling it:

UK: Your Place is in the Shadows
US: Your Place is in the Shadows
Can: Your Place is in the Shadows

99c/79p. Plus you get those five other fancy pants ones that already got published.

PS: One mag that technically didn't reject Shithead was Psychotrope. That editor was kind enough to send me a letter of unreserved praise, tempered with the news that, alas, Psychotrope was forthwith being consigned to that big magazine rack in the sky.

Free Lunch

Actually I won't be buying you lunch, but I will offer you some free reading reading material instead, which is better. My novella GRAVEN IMAGE and my collection of shorts YOUR PLACE IS IN THE SHADOWS are both going for £0.00 on Sunday 8th September for five days. Americans can get it too (at current conversion rates, that comes up at $0.00 precisely).

UK: Graven Image, Your Place is in the Shadows
US: Graven Image, Your Place is in the Shadows
Can: Graven Image, Your Place is in the Shadows

Dig in.

August charts

Hey, do you like fags? Do you like lager? Good, because FAGS & LAGER (AKA Booze & Burn) was last month's number one seller out of all my books!

1. Fags & Lager
2. King of the Road
3. Deadfolk
4. One Dead Hen
5. Made of Stone
6. Stairway to Hell

A little disappointing for Made of Stone there, pulling up the rear in its year of birth. More effort required there, methinks. Made of Stone, get the hell out there and earn your keep. You want the shame of Stairway to Hell beating you? It can happen, boy - believe me. It's up to you now. It's all about the response.

Erm, what was I saying? Oh yeah - Fags & Lager. Well done to that book, which Metro described as "yokel Tarantino", Birmingham Sunday Mercury called "unputdownable" and Tangled Web hailed as (my favourite quote of all time) "300-odd pages of squalor, f-, s- and c- words, extreme violence and drugs, the odd hint of perversity, monstrous sly humour and all with no redeeming social message whatsoever". 

Have a good month. And if you haven't done so already, consider purchasing Made of Stone. Let's pull it out of the doldrums! This book features Highlander heavenly. I bumped into Greg Widen the other week (he wrote Highlander) and mentioned it to him, and he didn't seem bothered either way about it. Greg, for Royston Blake to be obsessed with a film or TV series is the highest honour affordable in showbiz (thus far awarded to Sylvester Stallone, Clint Eastwood, Don Johnson. David Rasche, Dennis Waterman - all the greats).

Bill Gates - Reanimator

Hey, I was in the States last week. Or this week. I forget because I am probably still lagged from jetting over 9 hours of timezone. Yes, I was in Seattle (via Amsterdam, hence the extra hour) at the behest of a small company over there name of Amazon. You might have heard of them. You may have heard negative things about them, things about monopolies and doing the independents out of business and destroying the publishing industry. Well, all I can say is that they know how to treat an author. And if they treat you well too, dear reader, then that's a pretty good deal. Right? See them as the dark overlord if you like, but I can assure you that they are a bunch of bright, imaginative men and women trying to find new and better ways of doing things. And they are book people. There is a new paradigm going on and they are at the heart of it, cutting unseen shapes from the rock-face. Lucky them. Lucky you.

Lucky me.

Oh yes, I love going to America. For one, I like hearing that accent. It is an accent purpose-built for pop culture, and having it around makes you feel like you're on a movie set. But Seattle is a bit different. Not that I have even scratched the surface of the USA, but I can tell an anomaly when I look at one. For starters, parts of it stink. Bad. I am talking urine. Also something unidentified but much worse, over by East Pine St. Whatever that thing is, I don't want to see it. I suspect it is Lovecraftian, and better left untampered with. Seattle is that kind of town. To see the Great God Cthulhu rising from the depths of Lake Washington would not surprise me. Of course, my mind would be scrambled before surprise could even register, but you know what I mean.

Maybe that's what Bill Gates is. Maybe he is one of the Old Ones - the tentacled one itself - returned into our midst under a vaguely human form to entrance us with his DOS and Windows 3.1 operating systems. I saw him while I was there, by the way. I took the advice of author William Lashner and went to a Mariners and LA Angels baseball game, and they trotted him out to do some guest pitching before the game. I'm pretty sure I also saw Kurt Cobain, down by that big totem pole near Pike Place Market. Is that possible? Could Bill Gates have brought him back to some awful semblance of life somehow, using ancient and unthinkable magic? Cobain did appear to have small gills on the side of his neck, so who knows?

I Hear Thunder

I have been neglecting this blog of late, so it's good that from now on I have an excuse to update it at least once a month. Yes, I speak of the monthly book charts. July was good, but not as good as June, which was pretty awesome by Mangel standards. (But hey, Mangel standards are pretty low. There probably isn't even a bookshop in Mangel. But there *is* a tattoo parlour.)

So, without further prattle, and with the thunder and lightning kicking off behind me, here are July's charts:

1. Deadfolk
2. Made of Stone
3. Fags & Lager
4. King of the Road
5. One Dead Hen
6. Stairway to Hell

So that's pretty much no change, other than #1 and #2 swapping. And the fact that I called it "Fags & Lager" instead of "Booze & Burn" this time. Obviously Fags is my preferred title, but titles are overrated anyway. Charles Willeford's THE DIFFERENCE is still the same book if you call it THE HOMBRE FROM SONORA. And a hell of a book.

The Hit Parade

Now that I've discovered this books sales thing I can give you the book charts every month, straight from the horse's mouth. (Did someone ever actually get something from a horse's mouth?) Not that I'm hung up on charts or anything. But hey, here they are:

      1. Made of Stone
      2. Deadfolk
      3. Booze and Burn
      4. King of the Road =
      4. One Dead Hen =
      6. Stairway to Hell

Good to see Made of Stone way out in front, where it ought to be in its year of publication. And quite a dog fight there for fourth place, with King and Hen both tied. Stairway to Hell, you need to start performing. They're talking about introducing relegation.

Book charts

Dunno if you're interested in these things, but here are the six novels I have published in order of sales (so far this year):

One Dead Hen (2011)
Deadfolk (2004)
Made of Stone (2013)
Booze and Burn (2005)
King of the Road (2006)
Stairway to Hell (2009)

The year in brackets indicates first publication. You might think that the most recent one Made of Stone would be the winner, but things don't work that way with a series. People often want to go in at the start (even though I sweat BLOOD to make sure you can read each of these things as a standalone, dammit!) But hey, I'm more than cool with that. One Dead Hen's dominance can be explained by one or two special offers from the publisher, I think. Stairway to Hell because it's a different publisher with less marketing effort for back-list titles. Also I guess it's going out of print as a paperback (which is sad but comes to us all in the end). (And hey, it's still there for Kindle (US / UK).)

It bothers me a bit that Stairway pulls up the rear. I like that book. Some of the characters from it still rattle around in the semi-deranged corners of my head, and of course I always think of the final chapter when I see Simon Cowell on the TV. But hey, that's book biz. And if anyone at all is buying it and reading it, I'm happy.