Fags no longer

First off, I do not smoke. I used to smoke. I used to buy a packet of 25 Royals in the morning and try to make it last. I started when I was about 13, buying single bennies at the very dodgy cornershop "Lannies" at the top of Sansome Walk. I'd steal them off any grown up smoker visiting the house. On Saturdays we'd go into town and to hang out and get up to no good - the highlight being every time I opened my pack of 10 Number Ones. But now I don't smoke. (Just a cigar now and then.)

However, I don't tell anyone else to not smoke. To tell them to refrain from their habit, however injurious to their health that habit might seem, would be the act of a wanker. A tosser. I protect every man and woman's right to smoke. You want a fag? Have one. Read what it says on the pack, look at how your grandad died, and then go ahead. You want to smoke in a pub? Great! I'd rather drink in a pub full of secondary smoke than bad breath. What? You want to ban smoking?

You want to make it ILLEGAL to puff in a pub, restaurant, or club?

Let's have a look at nightclubs. Who goes to clubs? Young people. Or old people who don't know they're old. Both groups know what they're getting when they go to a club. In most cases, a three-hour dance workout is not the main draw. They're after inebriation, sex, fighting, class A drugs, and staying out late. These guys, what they are not interested in is perfect health. Someone goes into a club and complains about the smoke, what do you do? You laugh, that's what. You piss in their drink when they ain't looking.

You want to make smoking ILLEGAL?

(Hey, I was kidding about the pissing in the pint. Someone did that to me once, and... Well, no, that's not how it happened. I was "mine-sweeping", which entails staking out an unattended pint of beer in a club and then stealing it. Someone cottoned on to what we were doing. Bastard.)

Let me just say, to all those who point up the health risks of passive smoking: Have you looked at the other risks around you? You say your right to inhale clean air is violated because you walk into a place and I'm sitting there, smoking? I say my right to inhale clean air is violated immeasurably more by you driving your car.

Leave smokers alone.

Ban cars.

We all die. Smoking is bad for our health. Living is bad for our health. We live in an increasingly shitty and unhealthy world, and banning punters from the bad habit they love best is not going to make one tin shit of a difference to that. You want to make a difference, you benevolent members of parliament who made this wonderful decision on my behalf? You really want to make things better? Stop destroying education. Get rid of the stupid fucking national curriculum. Let teachers do their job. If a school is doing bad, help that school. But don't ruin the ones that are doing OK.