Arrows

Never mind Spain winning the Euros, Manny Pacqiao whipping the ass of David Diaz or Andy Murray reaching the Wimbledon quarters... I just threw two darts at a board in succession - the second landing IN THE TAIL OF THE FIRST. You know that tiny crosshair where the flight goes? That's where No. 2 went! And stayed. It didn't do that crosshair much good, but hey - this is one of those once-in-a-lifetime things. But this is a serious post, and I have a serious question...

What happens in a competitive game when that happens? Has it ever happened?

Am I unique?

Did anyone notice any strange lights in the sky, around 21:10 BST? Maybe some rumblings, like thunder?

Novel writing tip

If you're in the midst of writing a novel, or any other kind of prose, be wary of what you read. Or watch. Books, films and quality TV shows with a strong, distinctive voice can influence your own style. Sometimes in a bad way, but other times for the better. But even if it improves your piece, tread carefully. Plagiarism is a dirty word. Only yesterday, after watching an old DVD, I blanched in horror, ran to the keyboard and opened up my work in progress, CHARLIE WILLIAMS'S OBSCURE LOCATION. Sure enough, there was that line:

"As I rounded the corner I felt muscular and compact. Like corned beef."

It broke my heart to cut such an inspired simile, but imagine if I had noticed it AFTER publication, with the book on millions of shelves around the world and heading for a big Hollywood adaptation starring Benicio del Toro? No, the line had to go. Or at least undergo some changes. So I changed it to:

"As I went round the corner I felt compact and muscular. Like Spam."

Platform games

I was reading this post about screenwriters crossing over to novels on English Dave's excellent telly-writing blog, and it got me thinking. I totally agree, by the way. Stories are stories. If you've got the instinct you can tell them in any format. The only obstacles are technical ones, and you can get over those. Nuff said.

But it was something else (and coffee) that got the brain cells moving. The idea that you get more respect as a novelist than you do as a screenwriter. I would say that, yes, you get some semblance of respect as a novelist. Your name gets printed a lot more and you actually get the public and critical credit for the work you've done. In a weird, slightly anaemic way, you even get some celebrity. Invitations to parties, VIP treatment at festivals, interviews in the papers, foreign travel etc.... I've had all that. But

BUT

No fucking money. Or not much anyway.

Oh yeah, you get paid for everything. And the figures even look good on paper sometimes. But making an actual LIVING out of it? Forget that.

Which makes you look at that "respect" you've been getting and wonder if it is that after all.

Don't get me wrong - I am far from having a go at the paymasters. Mr Market-Forces is right there outside the window. He's a big bad wolf and he'll get you if you're weak. This is not a socialist republic and you can't expect a penny unless that wolf says you're worth it.

But still, writing is work.

If you're one of the few, you'll make a good living from it. I don't count myself in that number yet but I have friends who do. And when I say make a living I mean a sustainable one. Many apparent "successes" get paid a shitload for a first two-book-deal and fuck all thereafter, because the sales weren't up to it. There's a big red number where there should be a big black one.

Game over.

Writing is a bitch, no matter what the platform.

But still we pursue her, running after her with flowers and fine perfumes and rhyming couplets. Because she's captivating and beautiful. And we're tough motherfuckers. Or saps.

Or both.

Top TV #2

What happened to pure comedy? You could never get away with a routine like that these days unless you were taking the piss out of the mere idea that someone might want to do a routine like this. Also, where are all the middle-aged entertainers? I don't mean heritage acts, buts ones who are actually at the top of their game? The Chuckle Brothers?

I loved a lot of 80s alternative comedy but a disastrous side-effect was that it consigned everyone over 40 to irrelevance and grandad status. Unless they dressed like they were under 40, and had hair. Or they could go bald as long as they shaved the remainder off. And wore a black top.

There's an innocence and simple joy in comedy that you don't get so much any more. You've got to work the laughs through five or six layers of knowingness before they make it to TV. But it is possible to circumvent most of those layers. I'll come to that in Top TV #3...

Top TV #1

Stuff

From time to time, when I've nothing better to do, I improve the quality of your lives by giving you a glimpse into the minds of the men and women out there who find this site via google. Here is that glimpse:

3 5.36% make her gag
2 3.57% ass rash
1 1.79% rash on ass
1 1.79% rash on my ass
1 1.79% ass rashes
1 1.79% comics of pity
1 1.79% how to buy fags
1 1.79% david hasselhoff in his 20s

I have no further comment.

4pm

That's what time the fight is. And I'm waiting up for it - Glenfiddich 12yo in my hand. Am I going to make it? Is Joe going to kick the arse of old man Popkins? I just doon't know. One of the p4p best in the world against the most awkward, undisputed. For once, I'm kind of impartial. I love both these guys. I can't call it.

But come on, Joe will win.

PRONG 3: Comics

I have been taking the comics world by storm. Didn't you notice? The way I've been doing it, right, is via black magic. Me and my artistic cohort Jonathan Dukes meet up every now and then in The Plough - which is a very mystical sort of pub - and drink ourselves into a shamanic stupour, helping the mindstate along by throwing out the odd word about Alan Moore or the Hernandez brothers. Then, in our trance-like state, we utter the magic words that, in effect, render the comics world at our mercy. Anything we submit to them for publication, they will accept and treat with reverence. It's just that we haven't finished anything yet. We're busy, OK? I mean, these things take time.

So that's what I'm doing. What are you doing? Does it involve black magic?

Next week: Prong 4...

PRONG 2: Screen

I have turned DEADFOLK into a screenplay and I'm trying to get agent interest. I'm still not sure whether it's best suited to cinema or TV, but it is what it is. And it's a feature-length screenplay. And a novel, of course.

Then there is the short film ARK, recently shot with such flare by Mal Woolford and team. That's an exciting one and I can't wait to see how it turns out (seen the rushes - wow, is that ever a thrill for a writer). Hopefully I'll be working with those guys again this summer.

If there is a plan afoot here, it is aimed at getting me broken into both features and TV. Or just one of them. Back when I started writing, I wouldn't have had a clue how to go about writing a script, let alone how that then becomes a film or show. Then I wrote DEADFOLK and the others, and started looking at them as stories that might crossover to the screen pretty well. Then I met a few film and TV people and gradually got drawn in. That's how it was for me.

Tomorrow, Prong #3.

PRONG 1: Books

I am writing a new novel for Serpent's Tail. This is going well. Can't say more. If I said more, I would have to use your IP addresses to track you all down and kill every one of you. Because it kills the magic, sharing your writing mojo before its work is done. It's like the red indians and taking photographs. Maybe I should just charge you one dollar to hear about what I'm writing.

But do you know what? It wouldn't be worth the one dollar. Not even at today's exchange rates. I am the world's worst pitch artist. This is something that I will have to address, and touches on tomorrow's prong...

Anyway, expect a new book from me next year. After three novels in quick succession, 2004-2006, it'll be quite a gap. Just when someone says "Hey, wonder what happened to that Williams guy? No, not him from Mork and Mindy, I mean the one who did those doorman books. Didn't he die of a drug overdose?".... And then BAM - I'll hit them with a new one called THE CURIOUS CASE OF THE WRITER WHO DID FUCK ALL FOR THREE YEARS. Ah, but you know he didn't do fuck all, don't you?

Another prong tomorrow.

New layout and book vote

As you can see, I have been messing with blogger. It's not going well and I'm going to give it up for a while, leaving it in this half-finished state until I summon the energy.

Meanwhile I have put a little vote up. You will see it there, to the right. A bit self-indulgent possibly but I'd be interested to see what you think. So if you have a favourite, please vote.

PRONGS

Over the next few posts, and whether you like it or not, I am going to let you know what is going on here writing-wise. "Where are those creative juices being applied, man?" Questions like that, asked with Dude-like languor, will be answered. Candidly.

Just to get you going, here is the short version:

For the past three or so years I've been employing a three-pronged approach to writing. The Trident Approach, I think the pros call it. One of those prongs is books, the others being writing for screen and writing for comics. Why? Because I like books, the screen and comics. If you're paying attention you might have noticed the odd rumbing about the latter two prongs from time to time, but the prose prong has pretty much been getting it all ever since I started this blog. Justifiably, since for a long while it was the only prong. So it was a spear really, rather than a trident. Or a pike. For years I was fighting the fight with a pike.

No longer.

Stay tuned.