Hello there. Danny here from FrotSoft. First off, that's bollocks about Engelbert Humperdinck and "The Last Waltz". Keith must have started that rumour, and it don't surprise us one bit. It is true that I have a couple of Engelbert records in the cupboard at home, but they ain't mine. They're me mam's, and sometimes I gets em out and gives em a spin or two. I sit back with a glass of Baileys and close me eyes, thinking about her. She used to play that Last Waltz song all day she did, right up until her liver packed up on her. So what d'you say for yerself now, eh Keith? What d'you say now you knows why I had that song on when you walked in (without knocking) the other week? Proud of yerself, making out like I'm a poof?
No, me actual favourite song, since yer asking, is "Please Release Me", by Engelbert Humperdinck. But I ain't got time to talk about the whys and wherebys of why it's me favourite. I got bloody shedloads of work to do. Always the same it is - Keith dumps the work on me desk and off he fucks. Aye, muggins here does every bit of it. You know what? I don't even reckon he's ever even touched a fucking keyboard in his life. I tell yer, if I called in sick he wouldn't know what to do. Actually I knows what he'd do - he come round with the computer and set it up next to the bed for us. He's a right bastard, I tell yer. And one of these days I'll show him. I'll fucking show him I will.
And it ain't even like he's bringing proper web desining work in. I can't even remember the last time I desined a web. Course, you knows why. It don't take much head work to notice that no one in Mangel has actually got a computer (besides us), and so putting up a site for Gromer Wines & Tobbaco won't actually bring in much custom. Even Keith clocked onto that in the end, thick though he surely is. I reckon our web site desining days is over.
But do you know what he's gone and done now? He's only gone and changed our sign out front to FROTSOFT INTERNET MARKETING. Aye, so what he does is he goes round shops and businesses and that, telling em he can increase their rollover by hundred percent, or summat, by harnessing the unharnessed harnesses of web harnessing, or summat. Course, they just tells him to fuck off.
So what's this shedloads of work I'm doing, if we ain't got no punters?
"Internal work", is all I can say to you.
It's a bit fucking clever actually. And a bit secret and all. If I telled you about it you'd start doing it yerself, thereby diluting our market share. So I can't tell you nothing about it. Not even a clue, mate. But it's fucking great though. This could be our road to riches, I'm telling yer. What it is, right, is that Keith's got his hands on this compact disc wossname. And on it there's all these flipping email addresses of fellers out there on the outside (meaning not in Mangel). And he's got me working on this program thingy that sends em all messages trying to flog em gear, with subjects like MAKE YER COCK BIGGER IN THREE DAYS. And this is where I'm using me marketeering skills, Keith says. Coming up with slogans and that whereby a feller who receives it can no way pass it up, if he knows what's good for him.
Fuck knows what half the gear is though. (What's VAGRIA, for fuck sake? Ain't that like, you know, a woman's... you know, between her...) And he won't get none for me, will he? Says "a salesman never samples his own wares" when I asked him last week.
A salesman never does no actual fucking WORK, more like.
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