DVD Blues

Why can't I make my region 2 DVD player play region 1 DVDs? I've found half a dozen so-called "secret codes" that go something like...

1. take your remote
2. press Setup
3. press 1
4. press Yes
5. press 5
6. press 3
7. press Off
8. press On
9. flip the thing in the air and let it spin three times before catching it
10. spread it thinly with honey
11. stare at it for exactly nine minutes, concentrating really hard
12. punch it
13. punch yourself. Hard. In the face
14. chuck it in the river and stand there, hopping on one leg, for 45 seconds
15. get pissed on cooking sherry
16. get on a train to Huddersfield and sing "We Don't Have to Take Our Clothes Off" by Jermaine Stewart 18 times
17. get pissed on cherry wine
18. remove all your hair with a Brillo pad. ALL of it

...that sort of stuff. But none of them work. And believe me, I've tried all of them. So it looks like I've got to buy another player.

OK. I go down the local DVD player shop that will remain unnamed for legal reasons (Dixons) and say, "Can I have a DVD player that will play.... etc"

She looks at me for a while and says: "etc? I've never heard of that one." OK, boom boom. No, she takes in my beaten-up, strangely hairless appearance for a while and then points to this nice little number in matt grey on a display shelf.

"So that plays region 1 DVD's, right?" I say, flicking a bit of Brillo off my ear.

"Yes," she says. "All you have to do is enter this secret code, that you can pick up on the web..."

Anyway... to whom it may concern (and you know who you are): I'm trying to watch the fucking film. Honest I am. And I really, really want to watch it. But I may just have to hop on a plane and come over to your house before I can do it.