S'no fair

They promised us snow. All week they've been saying "Hey, watch out for the snow, folks. It's coming alright. And boy, are you gonna get it!" And you know what happened? Of course you do.

It didn't snow.

Actually it did. It snowed like a bastard in the parts of the country I've been in. But none of it settled. Don't you hate that shit, snow not settling? What is all that about? Do we have underground heating in this country, or something? I wish they'd turn it on when I've got to stand on a fucking station platform for an hour, freezing my balls off (and feet), waiting for a mythical chariot to convey me homeward. But there ain't no underground heating.

And there ain't no snow.

I like snow, you know. I like looking at it, walking in it, lying in it, driving in it, clipping my nails in it, flipping pancakes in it... You know all these people who start whining when there's a bit of snow on the roads? I stick my finger up to them. I show my arse to them. I climb on their roof and piss down their chimney... er... to them.

"Snow on the road kills people," they say. They're right. Snow on the road kills people who don't realise they have to slow down and turn gradually, thereby removing themselves from the equation and making our roads safer for the rest of us who have brains. Well done, snow.

"Snow on the pavement makes old people fall over," they say, too. OK, so what are you gonna do? Ban snow? Shit happens. Snow happens.

But not this week it didn't.

You know what I'm gonna do, in response to all this non-snow?